Looking Back

I’ve been doing some catching up on discussion boards I’m a member of lately… and this is an answer that I wanted to keep… to remind myself that even as scary as treatment can be… there’s always ‘breather breaks’ and it will end at some point.

This reply was in response to someone asking thyroid cancer clients what their nurses could to do better help them…  

———————-

I remember the nurses that meant the most to me were the 2 that were paitent with me. As a lot of my complications with hospitals/treatment have to do with post traumatic stress and other issues… if I seemed uneasy or slow to respond they would ask if I was okay and if there was anything they could do to help me through. One nurse even brought me a coloring book and crayons lol Also, i always take a stuffed animal with me for surgeries… and inform my nurses before I go under that when i wake up from anesthesia I will most likely want the stuffed animal as soon as possible to calm down. One nurse took it upon himself (as his shift was alomost over) to write on my chart where the stuffed animal was for the following nurse to know how to help me lol But I think for me as there are so many other factors/issues around treatment alone… that the fact that my nurses were patient, and willing to help me as was appropriate even if things didn’t quite make sense to them (ie coloring book/crayons / stuffed animals) truly made me feel at ease. I’m lucky if I get even 2 hours of sleep at home… so you can imagine how difficult it was to sleep at the hospital, and one nurse even came in and sat with me for a few minutes and looked at a photo album I had brought with me because i was feeling scared and sad. I believe the TINITEST things can almost always make the difference between feeling like a lab rat and a respected human being.

Comical Thoughts… hmmm…

So… As many know I am a huge gigantic Tyler Perry fanatical obsesive fan… lmao therefore it doesn’t come as a surprise when I say that I’ve had Tyler Perry productions on my TV nonstop now for almost a month and a half… that’s all night included… lmao

I was watching (As I have been for some time now) Madea’s Class Reunion. The one hits home for me on sooo many levels… and is sooo very blunt and honest.

Near the end of the movie Madea is talking to someone who is attempting to find healing in her life as well as get out of an abusive relationship.  She proceeds to explain to her (also the main theme in the movie) about forgiveness.

She explains to her than no matter who has hurt you, or what they’ve dont to you… it could be your mother, your uncle, your sister, etc… anyone… and whether they raped, hurt, assaulted, molested you… anything no matter who or what they did to you – you NEED to forgive them

NOT for them… but for yourself. as this is a life lesson that can hold you back from so many wonderful things in life..

Now for me, forgiveness is an ALL TOO tender topic, and I have a tendency to become very defensive and argumentative,… not for the reason of forgiving someone, but because growing up so many of u heard “Forgive and forget”

As Madea goes on to explain… forgive them yes but DO NOT forget!!! She reminds her that in order to make sure you don’t allow it to happen again… you MUST r-e-m-e-m-b-e-r!!!!

As I watched that this morning so very desperately needing to hear it, my mind wandered … as it seems to do ever so often… lmao

When people tell others to forgive and forget… what are they thinking?

It immediately reminded me of the word.. insanity. Ya know? That one little word that means doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result?

lol as i mulled this through in my mind i realized… If one were to f-o-r-g-e-t then… quite frankly… they wouldn’t remember it for them to expect any result right? One would have to remember what the previous result was in order to expect a different result… hmmm lol

Therefore, insanity doesn’t quite seem to fit… however, For one to do this does… seem VERY insane… lmao

The English language is soo complex… think about it…

We have soooo many words that in so many ways are extremely (almost cufusingly) similar… that many people use them out of context simply due to the fact that the ONE word they’re looking for could very well be on page 5,000 of the thesaurus lmao

So what would it fall under?

insanity?

stupidity?

ignorance?

These are the only words that pop out to me as words I’ve used to describe what I would have to be if I aggreed to “forgive and forget” lmao

Choices

Thinking a awful lot lately, trying to accept the harsh reality and be able to learn from it and move forward without comepletely internalizing the emotions.

Behind every reality… are choices. Now, at a certain age the responsibility for those choices gets transferred from a loving a capable authority figure (hopefully) to the minor themself… slowly learning how to steer the wheel of their own life.

But what happens when at first the decision maker and “holder of choices” is unhealthy. Do we as minors then internalize, model, and live out, yet again those choices? Or do we hold yet another set of choices – to follow in the footsteps….

with this thinking, If we were to say that even a child growing up has the choice to model or not model the decisions they were raised up watching being made… who’s to say they would be aware of the choices that consisted of NOT moedling the behaviors?

Do our children need someone, not only modeling proper decision making… but also teaching them how to find their choices within each situation? So if when we as parents fall short… we can trust that we have instilled in them a strong value based core that they can lean onto on their own, to realize what choices are available for them… the good and the bad… and then make the most educated decision…?

I’m one to believe that within everything is a choice. Some may agree and others not… but to me there is a choice in everything it’s merely a matter of facing them. For instance… Lets say you friend gets married and you’ve been invited to the wedding.

Now if you already wanted to go… then the choice would be pretty simple… you LIKE the choice of going

Your choice

And now lets say you didn’t want to go? …. what would be you first reaction? to feel as though you have no choice… that’s  your friend and you know they want you there because they ivited you and you end up feeling controlled or maybe even angry about going….. OR would you realize… my friend has simply invited me to their wedding… they have left the choice up to me … do I want to go… or not? THAT is my choice…

Now, to apply it in a more difficult scenario:

Lets say you get pulled over one night arrested and convicted of DUI… Lets say… you’re incarcerated for a couple weeks because of it, you car is impounded, and your license suspended for 1 year.

Are you powerless? Do you have any control? Do you have any choices here?

Some could say… No, the police have charged you with DUI, it will remain on your record, your license is now suspended for 1 year… and realistically you can’t ’smooze’ anyone now to get it back before then… and to top iot all off you now have to pay a whooper of a fee to get you car back…

And some.. myself included would say…. I’m now in jail… I can make the choice to re-evaluate myself and my values… perhaps… a drinking prolem in the midst…?…. lol …. and take this as an opportunity to make sure it wont happen again. I can CHOOSE to learn from this and move on…. or I can CHOOSE to stay stuck in a rut, blame everyone else but myself, and continue the same behavior over and over.

true… sometimes the choices could be even more annoying… for instance being diagnosed with cancer… You can choose to remain so terrified of your reality and obstacles  to come that you don’t persue treatment and could wind up facing your mortality a lot earlier than you want to…

OR you could choose to deal with your stress, concerns, fears, insecurities, and push through with treatment – even when you want to give up – and have a much better prognosis …. it’s up to you… sometimes choices in our live are not necessarily black and white… the outcomes of each possible path not always set in stone… but it’s our values, morals, ethics, that will make the most effect on which choice we choose.

For instance with your friend’s wedding… you’re being forced to deal with many isssues, some without even noticing it maybe. If you chose to go and enjoy yourself… what then helped you to come to that decision? could it be that you cared for that friend so much that even if at an inconvenience for you… supporting, encouraging and loving them was most important? Did you put them ahead of your own feelings/comforts because they meant that much to you?

now without losing myself in pure babble and rambling lol…. getting back to the reason I started this post…

If you were to look back at your life and re-evaluate the choices you made… you you be pleased? would be be overcome with pride… or shame ? would you then be taken over with feelings of self love and admiration or self hate and disgust?

How would you deal with these conclusions and, if consumed by self hate and disgust, how would you CHOOSE to continue facing yourself again?

As I said, to me everything is a choice… whether we like the choices or not… there’s a choice… so in reality… coping with and facing these newly understood self perceptions is a chioce as well.

How will we understand them? How will we accpet them? Will we and if so, how will we insist on facing their harsh realities until we’ve healed from them? How will we continue to hold ourselves responsible for our own choices and not place the blame on other as we try to deal with our own issues of self acceptance? And last but not least, how will we monitor ourselves to assure that we are learning from it… and not just continuing to hurt ouselves in response to our reactions and feelings.

Racking my brain.

Okay, so I’ve been gone for a while… had to get my mind right. Today I’m feeling a little better and in that pattern of thinking decided to pull out an old book and catch up on my reading. The book I’m reading is “Practical Parenting” by Montel Williams and Jeffrey Gardere PH.D.

I suggest this book to any parents, community organizations, and anyone that deals with children. Even the 87 yr olf widow down the street as it has such good food for though  and is the un-sugarcoated honesty/reality of society today.

Now, back to my thinking…

I had planned to read a good 4-5 chapters today while the little one took his nap…. however after reading today’s first chapter I found myself coming to terms with my reality and biggest fears to date.

I’m a single mother who never even attempted college and now on SSI because I am just barely coping well enough to function without adding a 9-5 job on top of life. While applying for SSI i found myself feeling as if I was worthless, useless, and outright pathetic for needing SSI and not being able to “suck it up” and get  a job.

At the time I blamed those feelings on people around me that were asking me if I had a job… only reminding me yet again that I was unable to work. I blamed it on those that had hurt me in the past somehow believing that they had something to do with me being “broken / damaged” I even blamed it on emplyers saying that if they didn’t demand such effort and time that maybe then would I be able to meet their expectations of a full time emplyee of theirs.

The reality, I found in myself while reading.

I feel worthless, useless, and pathetic, not because of these people and not because of external sources/words/actions/facts. But because of myself

I feel like this because of my expectations and aspiriations for the child in my life.

I worry that when he is older and has problems maintaing his education and college as his main goal and priority in life (as all children do and I know will be the case) that he will bring forth to me the reality of his easiest excuse.

“But mom, you never went to college, and you don’t even have a job. but you’re doing fine! Why should I spend so much time / effort worrying about school when I don’t even need college to succeed?”

Now given, my hope, prayer and dream is that by the time he is old enough to say this I will by then be healed and sane enough to at least have a part time job or be going back to school… however if not, how am I supposed to come to terms with myself and be honest with him?

I don’t believe in cop-outs, I believe what is, is, and you should just state the truth with the accpetance and willingness to one day change / move forward  I also despise hypocrasy with every once left in my soul.

So, how then am I to face him and deal with this issue in a respectful, honest, ‘all guards down’ and realistic manner without feeling as if I’m modeling one behavior and expecting the opposite from him?

I know that that my actions and the way I live my life / role model to him is THE most important and easily followed path. So then, how do I live my life in a manner that I can still cope and function but know in my heart that he is following me on a path so as to succeed in his own endeavors?

Wow… reality is such a pain in the you know what when you yank down those curtains and face it lol

Not A Good Day :(

Not doing so well today. Having a hard time with every noise and movement I see/hear… sending me through the roof. I hate it when there’s stuff going really wrong.. but i can’t figure out what it is.. body is freezing a lot today and scared and sad. Going to call it a night pretty soon. So scared today i want to cry.. but I can’t. I just get these migraines from my eyes hurting so bad from right before you cry… constant pain and fear. Not a good day. Not at all.

What are your thoughts?

How do you suppose one would love, care for, and calm a child, baby, or teen if they couldn’t physically hold/hug them? How do you comfort someone… lets say… perhaps…. through the mail? Leaving words and only words to comfort and soothe the child in crisis?

 

Thanksgiving

I used to question.. what am I suposed to be thankful for? I wasn’t thankful for being alive because I didn’t feel alive. I felt like a dead zombie in the heart of torment, terror, agony… a pure living he**  I wasn’t able to be thankful for family because they were a part of that torment. I wasn’t thankful for small things like food, shelter etc… because in my eyes they were prolonging the torment.

But now I look at Thanksgiving with new eyes.

What am I thankful for ?  that’s something many people question and ponder around this time of year… it becomes a competition within friends and families… who can find the most things they’re thankful for in their lives?

I have one question for you.

What do you have in your life.. to FIGHT for?

something/someone that means sooo much to you that you are willing to risk everything you have to protect them/it?

Many people say “Oh, I have so many things to be thankful for… I can’t think of just one.. well, we’ll make it easy for you….. What is that ONE thing.. the ONE thing that you would put your identity, your posessions, your LIFE on the line for and not even blink an eye knowing it would be worth every spec of your sacrifice? EVEN if you KNEW that afterwards nobody, not even a worm in the ground would know to give you credit for it?

Therein my friends lies that ONE thing that you are the most eternally grateful for this year.

Why can’t there be?

So, I’m a big fan of the saying “there is no “Mommy for Dummies” … because it’s sooo true.. it’s like having a “Life for Dummies” unless you can see the future… you can’t write it and have it be accurate.. .not only that… but you would have to have one specifically writeen for each and every individual on this earth. No person’s life is identical in any way what so ever. we’re all unique with our own stories to tell….

with that said… today I was busying myself as usual… sweeping the back porch, taking out the garbage… taking out the recycling, examining my house to see what needs to be done next… (i.e. did i eat today? do i have anymore dishes left? am i going to eat dinner? if so… do i want to wait till after I eat to wash the dishes?  am I going to vaccum tonight? did I pick up all the misc. items off the floor?… etc.)   and I got to thinking…

Can one counsel oneself? I mean truly and effectively counsel oneself? Is there a handbook… like a …. workbook almost… with homework and such to be ones own counselor. to treat oneself for DID?

Then I realized… If there is no “Mommy for Dummies” bok, because people are all unique individuals… then why would there be a “Treating yourself for DID for dummies” book?

Why can’t I just take a pill once a day and all the memories and pain and terror would automatically stop???

-Takin’ another break.

The process of thinking..

Many things influence all of our opinions, beliefs, ideals…. but in that relatively small gathering of words said, life experiences, and things learned, is a collection of things we’ve for some reason or another selected as something to affect us. either in a good way or a bad way. the rest… to be tossed away to the curb like garbage.

If you were to ask people you met at the grocery store or at a  bus stop… “why do you believe that? ” or “What is your opinion on this… and how did you come to that opinion?” You would notice with many people that only certian things from their lives would be brought up. but then to question them yet again… what else has affected your viewpoint from what you’ve experienced or witnessed? many times more than none would you observe them saying… “I don’t know… It just makes sense to me” or something of the like.

Why is that? why do we select a few things to affect us and not others? do we have some kind of private requirement checklist to put each and every experience through to decide whether or not it is worthy of having a permanent affect on our lives?

And if so…. why do we more times than none… hold on to the painful experiences. whether or not we know it… they’re there and they seem to make up for most of our recollections as well as our specifically picked life affecting experiences.

If we were to take those experiences out of the trash.. the ones we threw to the curb… and look at those.. and only those to re-evluate our opinions, beliefs, and ideals…. would they change? would they be the same? would we find that… well, this ‘makes sense’ but… is it true? is it reality?

a perfect example I love… stereotypes… to many people they make sense given… they’re created from what people ‘know’ to be the truth… but when research is done.. you realize it’s only percentages… it’s a game of numbers!

however, stereotypes … are not… reality.. in the sense that they’re not true for 100% of the population or situations like they so vaguely claim to be.

Yet some choose to believe them… and others not. if a debate were to occur.. the person with the most statistics and research based facts would generally leave with the most affected from their viewpoint.  However that might not always be the one with the most correct answer. 

Yet some would believe one standpoint… some would believe the other standpoint.. while others… well, they might be indecisive still as to what or whom they believe and sometimes… do they even think it’s worthy of needing their input/opinion?

What it is that makes up our thinking processes? What is it that affects us the most? is it the experiences … or lack there of that we’re using to base our opinions, beliefs, and ideals on? Or could it be that invisible imaginary checklist… that is ever so different for everyone… that decides… what to keep and what to toss?

As people grow and learn we tend to toss the old and outdated to the curb.. we learn about ourselves as well as those around us. sometimes we may decide… this isn’t correct… that doesn’t sound right.. and as a result of our learning and growing… we keep some.. we toss some… we add things to our repetoire. 

But do we ever… consiously and objectively look at out lives as well as those around us… and then put our focus on all the experiences we’re using to base our decisions on to re-evauate our thinking and ultimately change our own lives?