So it’s been a while since I’ve updated this lol. There’s been a LOT going on. I have to admit no matter what the outcome winds up being on a certain situation in my personal life, I’m enjoying being able to look back and confidently say “I’ve made the right decision.” Releasing my fear and urges to obsess over it has truly helped me be able to get my mind back in focus. As much as I hate to admit it, I was angry. But in releasing my fear – refusing to pay it any attention (which by the way, can be tough as SHIT!!! Lmao) I’ve also been able to let go of the anger. The anger was stemming from insecurity and was fueled by a feeling of injustice. I had to accept the injustice for what it was – not fair, then address the insecurity. I learned something in that process: Insecurity is not much different than ignorance in that unless it’s faced and dealt with/worked through, it can’t do anything but harm ourselves and others.
In the midst of all this, I’ve been learning to accept other things. Poor moods for example. Those days when I’m just tired or cranky – maybe a bit sad. I’m slowly learning a process I can go through, first I accept/acknowledge it. Then, I ask myself “Is there anything I can do about it?” Like eat something if I’m hungry (as that can exasperate the situation) or have a soda or cup of coffee (sometimes a bit of caffeine can help if you’re tired) maybe plan to go to bed early that night as well – maybe call or txt a friend or relative – write about it as an outlet. Then, once I’ve done that, or if I can’t do anything, I consciously choose to actively (the key word lol) do something in opposition to how I’m feeling. Recently for me, it’s been to listen to a specific song that’s upbeat, catchy, and that I have a personal connection to. No matter how I’m feeling it makes me smile, encourages feelings of gratitude, adoration, joy, strength, and a child-like innocence. I have to admit lol I’ve been listening to it practically nonstop these days lol But, it makes me feel….. Free, in a way. Free from all the negativity I choose not to submerge myself in. But even now, with as much as I’ve been listening to it these past couple weeks, it drives me to swinging with the music, smiling, laughing, and at the very least, allowing me to feel comfort, love, and peace.
I’ve noticed a lot that society as a whole (in my opinion) isn’t exactly what’s I’d call a ‘happy bunch of folks’
When I’m standing at my son’s bus stop in the morning, I’m usually playing this specific song on my phone while I simply dance and sing along with him on the sidewalk. One thing I enjoy, is seeing people driving by when they see us and laughing or smiling and waving – being ‘happy’ even if just for those few seconds.
One afternoon a while back, I was in line at the store and feeling very sad/lonely – I literally wanted nothing more than to just run home, curl back up in bed, and cry my bloody eyeballs directly out of their sockets. It was just NOT a good day. So I turned on my phone and listened to the song. I chose to actively participate in the joy I knew it -usually- brought me – I was swaying to the music and mouthing the words lol There was a man next to me whom I didn’t know but he was visibly upset – he looked the way I felt. I waved at him enthusiastically (to the point of plain goofiness lol) smiled and said “Hi!!!!” lol while I started dancing to my song (which he couldn’t hear because I had headphones on – I WAS In a store mind you LMAO) I KNOW I looked like a fool. But it was cheering me up!! LMAO What startled me was that he then smiled back at me, started laughing, and in between his laughter said “Have a great day!” as he walked off. I felt empowered! I’d managed to cheer him up! Hell, he could have been laughing AT me for all I knew or cared LMAO but it had cheered him up. And THAT had cheered me up. From that point on my day had made a complete turn around.  I don’t know, maybe I’m just a complete sap at heart lol but I truly wish people would simply smile at one another more – make fools of ourselves – what’s so wrong with that?? LMAO Be silly – have fun – ENJOY life!
Happiness is just as contagious as misery – if not moreso. When we’re supporting others, why do we always seem to leave out one of the most important aspects? Happiness – humor – laughter – joy. You can still be validating, compassionate, and understanding as well while also sharing joy and love – even if only for a moment or two. Even if it does mean making a complete fool of yourself! Be confident in yourself and be generous with love. Yeah, ok, I guess I AM a complete sap at heart lmao But that’s ok though LMAO Because I shall embrace my sappiness and use it to suit the other aspects of who I am :D lmao
*sigh*   It has been a roller coaster though.
My birthday has passed yet again lol And this year I made it all about showing love, compassion, and comfort to myself so I celebrated by devoting it and my cake to my fav sports team, Melbourne Storm (NRL)  THIS year was NOT about fear, pain, suffering, or abuse – it was about being happy and loved. Bottom line – be happy.
I’m also still in a knee immobilizer and have been since July 18th. I have many bone fragments swimming around in it and need to have them removed – it’s still swollen and also apparently (according to the docs) has fluid in it. Therefore, I’m awaiting surgery. I meet with my surgeon’s PA on Oct. 17th which will be just a day short of 3 months since this all started. Then I’ll have a pre-op appointment – and then surgery. I’m losing a good bit of muscle tone in my left leg, have multiple issues/fears regarding medical professionals, instruments, and treatments, and this continues to drag out. I found out in June that my thyroid cancer is now in remission and to be honest, at that time, had TRULY been hoping for a break from the world of medicine lol But I have to accept – “just not right now”.
So where am I at mentally now? What’s my mindset the -majority- of the time these days? — “I don’t care.” that’s right lol
I
DON’T
CARE.
Lmfao – it is what it is. This HAS gone on for way too long and has been a ridiculously long and idiotic battle with my insurance. But now, I’m just laughing at all the frustration. Not because I think this isn’t a serious concern – or because I’m not worried about possible long term effects etc but because if I don’t, the negativity and fear will consume my day to day life. I HAVE to find things to laugh at, smile about, I have to focus on things that empower me and bring me JOY – or else I will feel ‘the victim’ and helpless. But I’m only as helpless as I tell myself I am or allow myself to feel – so, I laugh, smile, and be happy to empower myself instead. As a result, I’ve been spending a lot of my time working on this, doing things that bring me comfort, joy, laughter, sanity, and strength. My writing has been more on topics I keep off of this particular blog – it’s stuff that would be better suited for my other one. But at the same time, it’s not necessarily been aimed to be “productive” so much as entertaining I’ve been simply working out certain personal things and also writing for the sole purpose of allowing my mind to wander and explore the more ‘pleasant’ side of my imagination lol
Although in thinking about it, I believe I am due for a blog entry on here about DID and my experiences with it. As a single mother labeled DID I’ve heard about, experienced, and witnessed many things and have MUCH to say about it. So much in fact, I could probably write for days on that topic lol Believe it or not I -am- very opinionated, I’m just also very open, curious, and a FIRM believer in that “Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.” — BUT, we also don’t all walk around caulking up everybody’s arseholes that we may not particularly like or want to be around LOL And yes I can be crude and somewhat of a smartass LMAO But it’s the truth! And you know it too!! :P don’t even try to deny it ;)
Okie dokies artichokies, I’ll be signing off now,
Stay happy!