Being Strong? Strength?

On another blog of mine I wrote a bit a while ago about “Weakness”, what it means to be weak, and what I’ve always *assumed* it meant. I learned that my understandings of the word and its definition were all SORTS of out of whack. But recently I’ve been told several times that I’m “stronger” than I know or realize. Honestly I don’t know how to respond when people say that lol I know, most people say “It’s a compliment just say thank you” And I do – but, according to my conscience it doesn’t make sense to accept a compliment you don’t believe. On the contrary, just because I don’t believe it, doesn’t mean I don’t also believe my perspective to be any more accurate than theirs. Quite honestly, I trust their perspective on these topics better than my own considering I don’t exactly have the best track record of giving myself credit where credit is due.

So what is strength?

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, one of the definitions is “power to resist force : solidity, toughness”  That’s the main one that jumped out at me, I think mainly because it’s the one that most challenged my own perceptions and understandings of strength.

Much like the saying, “Courage is not – not being scared, it’s pushing through regardless of fear” — Maybe strength is the same? I’ve always said “I’m not strong, I just never had any other options” *giggles* But yet I’m a big believer in “Everything is a choice” So if everything is a choice, if we have a choice in everything – then maybe my focus or… “choice” to not even give myself the options of considering the other choice available was strength in and of itself because I knew which one was smarter.

If you’re fighting something, and you feel like you’re trapped or running head on into battle with no defenses and no clue how you’re going to survive, what do you do?

I’ve always just kept fighting, kept running. Not always sure if I was going forwards or backwards to be honest – but the few times I stopped I wound up noticing my other choice more and more – and that scared me. So my “default” was to stop resting or taking breaks because I wasn’t willing to even look at or consider the other choice – I knew that path too well.

Sitting here today, I feel like my life is a COMPLETE wreck. I feel like it’s in shambles. I feel broken, beaten down, lost, and confused. I feel anything BUT “strong” and I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure as a person, a friend, a mom, a sister, ……a human. *sigh* So when people tell me I’m strong I want to SCREAM!!!!! ROFLMAO I want to slap them – knock some sense into them and say “What the FUCK are you smoking you blind idiot!!!????” —— *sigh* But the more I think about it the more I wonder if they’re onto something.

Ok, so my life is a complete wreck. *deep breaths* I can live with that. For NOW. ROFLMAO ……But understandably so right?? I mean, given everything I’ve been through, everything I’m working on and pushing through, everything that’s happened – It’s understandable! — So does that make me a failure? Am I a “failure” simply because my life is a complete wreck at the moment? Fuck no. I’m only a failure for THAT If I ALLOW my life to CONSTANTLY be a complete wreck – If I refuse to work on it. If I refuse to do everything I can and know to do to clean up the mess and make my own path. So no, just because my life is a complete wreck, which it is LMAO – It does NOT mean I’m a failure. It means I have the balls to face it for what it is, a complete and utter WRECK — and that I have the balls to admit I have NO FUCKING CLUE how do it on my own anymore.

I feel broken down, beaten, lost, and confused. To me, that “means” I’m anything BUT “strong” – It “means” I’m a weak pathetic little failure. It “means” thatI’m not strong enough to hack it. So if that’s how I see myself, then OF COURSE when I hear others say I’m strong, my initial reaction will be anything but gratitude o acceptance of a compliment LMAO

But again, If I am/was those things, “A weak pathetic little failure / Not strong enough to hack it” how would I have made it this far? If I think I’m too “weak” to make it — obviously SOMETHING in me did. I mean, I’m still here, right? I may not have made here riding on the top of the waves like a pro lmao but I fucking made it somehow I made it through things people watch in horror movies, thing people only see in their nightmares, I made it through more than what most people overcome in 40 years on earth in less than 25 years. I may not have made it through “on top” — YET — But I did make it. That’s something….. right?

So I’ve proven I CAN hack it — perhaps not as eloquently as I would prefer to be able to But I can – I have. And if I could make it this far – then who’s to say I can’t make it through the home stretch?

*giggles* the smart ass in me says “Hacking isn’t exactly a skill!!” The Merriam-Webster definition of “Hack” (the applicable one here) is:       “ to cope”    Ok, lmao so maybe it is somewhat of a skill But to me “Hacking” is more ‘to survive’ I think more of the definition of crudely chopping away brush to make one’s way through a forest or jungle. Not worrying so much about carefully tending what I’m chopping – just chopping so I can get through. Surviving. …….Survival takes strength…… right??? I don’t know. I guess. Herein lies my dilemma. I’ve always looked at it as “Yay I survived… big whoop…” — But in all honesty, if I hadn’t survived, I’d be dead. Surviving involves fighting for your life, and WINNING that fight. ………..I can think of millions of STRONG men and women who’ve died in a fight – they didn’t survive but they were strong.

Maybe my issue here is not that I’m in shambles – not that my life is a wreck – but that I’m not looking past that to realize how much I’ve endured and pushed through to sit where I’m sitting right now. Maybe strength has nothing to do with weakness. Or does it? Determination, perseverance, passion – those aren’t characteristics of someone who’s weak – It takes strength of mind and character to actively live those. You can’t be weak minded or weak hearted to live your life with those characteristics. ROFLMAO So maybe I’m NOT as weak as I think Maybe I AM — MUCH stronger than I think. And maybe…. I’m just too scared to actively acknowledge that to be truth because to do so involves emotion – and up until recently, emotion was “weakness” as well.