Endeavors Within

Being Strong? Strength?

Sally — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 22:35:37 +0000

On another blog of mine I wrote a bit a while ago about “Weakness”, what it means to be weak, and what I’ve always *assumed* it meant. I learned that my understandings of the word and its definition were all SORTS of out of whack. But recently I’ve been told several times that I’m “stronger” than I know or realize. Honestly I don’t know how to respond when people say that lol I know, most people say “It’s a compliment just say thank you” And I do – but, according to my conscience it doesn’t make sense to accept a compliment you don’t believe. On the contrary, just because I don’t believe it, doesn’t mean I don’t also believe my perspective to be any more accurate than theirs. Quite honestly, I trust their perspective on these topics better than my own considering I don’t exactly have the best track record of giving myself credit where credit is due.

So what is strength?

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, one of the definitions is “power to resist force : solidity, toughness” That’s the main one that jumped out at me, I think mainly because it’s the one that most challenged my own perceptions and understandings of strength.

Much like the saying, “Courage is not – not being scared, it’s pushing through regardless of fear” — Maybe strength is the same? I’ve always said “I’m not strong, I just never had any other options” *giggles* But yet I’m a big believer in “Everything is a choice” So if everything is a choice, if we have a choice in everything – then maybe my focus or… “choice” to not even give myself the options of considering the other choice available was strength in and of itself because I knew which one was smarter.

If you’re fighting something, and you feel like you’re trapped or running head on into battle with no defenses and no clue how you’re going to survive, what do you do?

I’ve always just kept fighting, kept running. Not always sure if I was going forwards or backwards to be honest – but the few times I stopped I wound up noticing my other choice more and more – and that scared me. So my “default” was to stop resting or taking breaks because I wasn’t willing to even look at or consider the other choice – I knew that path too well.

Sitting here today, I feel like my life is a COMPLETE wreck. I feel like it’s in shambles. I feel broken, beaten down, lost, and confused. I feel anything BUT “strong” and I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure as a person, a friend, a mom, a sister, ……a human. *sigh* So when people tell me I’m strong I want to SCREAM!!!!! ROFLMAO I want to slap them – knock some sense into them and say “What the FUCK are you smoking you blind idiot!!!????” —— *sigh* But the more I think about it the more I wonder if they’re onto something.

Ok, so my life is a complete wreck. *deep breaths* I can live with that. For NOW. ROFLMAO ……But understandably so right?? I mean, given everything I’ve been through, everything I’m working on and pushing through, everything that’s happened – It’s understandable! — So does that make me a failure? Am I a “failure” simply because my life is a complete wreck at the moment? Fuck no. I’m only a failure for THAT If I ALLOW my life to CONSTANTLY be a complete wreck – If I refuse to work on it. If I refuse to do everything I can and know to do to clean up the mess and make my own path. So no, just because my life is a complete wreck, which it is LMAO – It does NOT mean I’m a failure. It means I have the balls to face it for what it is, a complete and utter WRECK — and that I have the balls to admit I have NO FUCKING CLUE how do it on my own anymore.

I feel broken down, beaten, lost, and confused. To me, that “means” I’m anything BUT “strong” – It “means” I’m a weak pathetic little failure. It “means” thatI’m not strong enough to hack it. So if that’s how I see myself, then OF COURSE when I hear others say I’m strong, my initial reaction will be anything but gratitude o acceptance of a compliment LMAO

But again, If I am/was those things, “A weak pathetic little failure / Not strong enough to hack it” how would I have made it this far? If I think I’m too “weak” to make it — obviously SOMETHING in me did. I mean, I’m still here, right? I may not have made here riding on the top of the waves like a pro lmao but I fucking made it somehow I made it through things people watch in horror movies, thing people only see in their nightmares, I made it through more than what most people overcome in 40 years on earth in less than 25 years. I may not have made it through “on top” — YET — But I did make it. That’s something….. right?

So I’ve proven I CAN hack it — perhaps not as eloquently as I would prefer to be able to But I can – I have. And if I could make it this far – then who’s to say I can’t make it through the home stretch?

*giggles* the smart ass in me says “Hacking isn’t exactly a skill!!” The Merriam-Webster definition of “Hack” (the applicable one here) is: “ to cope” Ok, lmao so maybe it is somewhat of a skill But to me “Hacking” is more ‘to survive’ I think more of the definition of crudely chopping away brush to make one’s way through a forest or jungle. Not worrying so much about carefully tending what I’m chopping – just chopping so I can get through. Surviving. …….Survival takes strength…… right??? I don’t know. I guess. Herein lies my dilemma. I’ve always looked at it as “Yay I survived… big whoop…” — But in all honesty, if I hadn’t survived, I’d be dead. Surviving involves fighting for your life, and WINNING that fight. ………..I can think of millions of STRONG men and women who’ve died in a fight – they didn’t survive but they were strong.

Maybe my issue here is not that I’m in shambles – not that my life is a wreck – but that I’m not looking past that to realize how much I’ve endured and pushed through to sit where I’m sitting right now. Maybe strength has nothing to do with weakness. Or does it? Determination, perseverance, passion – those aren’t characteristics of someone who’s weak – It takes strength of mind and character to actively live those. You can’t be weak minded or weak hearted to live your life with those characteristics. ROFLMAO So maybe I’m NOT as weak as I think Maybe I AM — MUCH stronger than I think. And maybe…. I’m just too scared to actively acknowledge that to be truth because to do so involves emotion – and up until recently, emotion was “weakness” as well.

A Bona Fide Me

Sally — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 01:12:40 +0000

Heart Like Mine by Miranda Lambert

A Bona Fide Me

I am me.

I am a friend

A mother

A daughter

And a lover.

I am a sister

And a sinner

A thinker

As well as a planner.

I’m a hypocrite

And a smoker

An idealist

And a survivor.

An optimistic wannabe,

A pessimist

~But not at heart~

I’m a feeler

And an empath,

A yearner

And a dreamer

I can be genuine and goofy

Trusting

~And honest~

I am gullible

And sincere

Compassionate

And filled with fire.

I am mistaken

And misunderstood,

Misjudged.

~And all too often,

Overlooked.

I am not a screamer

Or a hater

But I’m not your pretty little doormat either.

I am a forgiver

But not a forgetter,

A strong woman,

And an equal.

I am patient

And observant,

A mystery to unravel.

I speak when I’m spoken to.

But don’t let it fool you,

I am spontaneous and silly,

I *will* stupefy you.

I love mother nature

And all of her creatures

And can be peaceful and practical

Sometimes even predictable.

A sunny brisk day

Can warm my heart

Though not as much

As the silence of the dark.

I find pleasure in pain,

And pain in pleasure.

I can see the anger in your joy,

And I sense the hope in your despair.

I have been through hell

And been through heaven

It is our minds,

I believe,

That create them.

I am not for rent

Or for hire

I *do* believe

In the lightning

Amidst the fire.

I will listen

And advise

I can criticize

Or comply.

I will not however

Shade my eyes,

From the dagger of your lies.

I do not make demands

Instead I request

Your choice is your own

I can only do my best.

Religion’s not much my forte,

Though supporting you

And yours,

Shall be my pleasure.

I have bad days

And shitty moods,

I can be hurtful,

Mean and rude.

Though please believe

This is not my intention,

At worst

I’m simply craving

Some of your attention.

I’m a puppy at heart.

Not to mention,

A brat

That’s too smart!

I have my vices

But don’t we all?

And my Pandora’s box

Is not quite small.

I am a singer

And dancing wannabe

Both without

The skills to boot!

I am a caregiver

And stubborn

Pensive

And passion driven

And I will not attack

Or criticize your imperfections.

I am true and tested,

Proven and proud,

Imperfect and scarred,

Undeniably authentic.

This is the bona fide me.

And it’s been my pleasure,

To make your acquaintance!

My views on single parenting with DID

Sally — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 23:18:33 +0000

So lately I’ve been receiving a ton of questions about “single parenting with DID” Questions ranging from the basic “Isn’t it tough?” to “Do you honestly think people like ‘us’ (those with DID) can actually raise kids without a spouse – single handedly and not fuck them up?” Even to questions as blunt as “Don’t you ever worry about your son’s well being especially if you experience “time loss” from time to time?” The amount of text messages, emails, phone calls, and other private messages that I receive on this topic has escalated drastically in the past week or so. Therefore, I figured why not lay it all out right here? LMAO For the ‘background info’ I will be as ‘lamens terms friendly’ as possible and will not be going into the DSM IV criterion but instead, blunt terms hat support -my- experience with it. If you’re looking for a thesis on the subject you’d might want to research elsewhere

So from -my- perspective what -is- “DID”? DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder. The key word being dissociative. Dissociation is… pretty much, an extreme form of spacing out. For me it was a coping skill/survival mechanism to handle extreme abuse I endured at a very young age. For a child that young, and the abuse I endured, I -had- to ‘space out’ to survive – my mind had to remove itself as far away from everything as possible. Now if dissociation is a form of spacing out, lets say I suffered a broken bone during the abuse – It’s very possible I might not have even felt a hint of pain – because I was that ‘spaced out’ (dissociated) In essence my mind (or I) was pulling myself so far away from the abuse that -I- was completely unaware of my realities or surroundings. What happened at that point in a manner of speaking, was that my mind began to ‘break off’ into several ‘chunks’ or identities – each to handle/cope with the world around me. Some part of my mind/someone had to be there to experience the abuse and interact with the abusers when it was required. This is a VERY rough and BASIC explanation of kinda ‘how’ or ‘why’ my other teammates ‘came to be’. DID is very difficult for me to explain – and quite honestly I’ve bypassed so many other points and details of the many other ways one could ‘become’ a multiple. (So I apologize to all my fellow multis reading this LMAO I was looking for the simpler way to explain so figured I would stick with only the way it’s affected me LMAO)

Ok, now for a quick (emphasis on quick) synopsis on some terminology. In my day to day life I do not say things such as “I’m DID” or “I have DID” For me, it seems way too clinical for something that I now experience as a natural reality of who I am. Instead, I say “I’m multi” (as in ‘I’m a multiple’) or “I’m a member of a team”. Now there’s much debate over what labels to give the other identities/people – and in all honesty it’s based on each individual system. Some use the terms ‘parts’ or ‘alters’ – I, and my team use the terms ‘headmate’ or ‘teammate’ (headmate being a spin-off of the word roomate) For us we work and live AS a team. Teamwork and cooperation (in our opinions) are ESSENTIAL to our ability to cope, function, and progress in the direction of OUR choice. Another word I threw out there was ‘system’ this is a word oftentimes used to refer to a multiple AND their headmates all at once – a system. But as I said for us, we consider ourselves to be teammates all working together to accomplish goals and objectives, it only feels natural to call ourselves a team rather than a system.

Ok, so now, basic 101 of how MY team tends to work. When I, Sally, am interacting with the world around me – ie. my son, my family, friends etc It’s called ‘fronting’. When I am front, I am the one controlling the body and using it to interact with, what for us is called ‘the outside world’ (as multi’s also have “internal worlds”). In my team, I am my son’s mother. I go by and have maintained the same name as that of the body (whether I like it or not LMAO) I was the one front when he was both conceived and born and I am who he knows as “mommy” I, solely, am ‘the mom’ Everyone in my team is aware of my son and aware that “the body” is responsible for seeing to his well-being, development, safety, security, and care. – Wow, I have a tendency to ramble in case you haven’t noticed LMAO so lets see if I can’t get back on track here LMAO I picked out 4 questions that I thought were very well worded and very important to address. So here we go!

Question #1) “Do you ever feel like ‘being DID’ makes you a danger to yourself or others?”

~ Quite honestly, this one appalls me – but then I take a step back and remember it’s coming from someone who does -not- understand DID in the least other than what they see/hear in the media and movies like “Sybil” My answer is a firm hell no – It’s quite the opposite actually.

I -do- have many teammates that -can- be aggressive if us, as a team, NEED them to be. They are here to protect the team and the body and if we are faced with an abuser attempting to harm us or a dangerous situation, they will do just that. Protect. Nothing more, nothing less. They are not however, violent or abusive – they are protective. Whether they are protecting the body and team from an abuser or protecting the body and team from self harm, their main job – goal – objective – is to protect. Keep all of us and the body SAFE, in tact, and stable. An example of one such teammate of mine is a 28 year old male named Chris. He is “a protector” LMAO though don’t tell him that he hates being called a “protector” He always tells me he prefers “teammate” over protector as he thinks safety and protection are based on team effort and not his alone. But yes, he is a protector, he is NOT however, violent or dangerous. He will act in self defense but is not a fan of it. He prefers precaution over having to act. Chris, alongside all our other protectors is EXTREMELY attached to those in our team and my son, as well as our friends, family, and allies. He would (and does) care for and protect our son and other people in our life with exactly the same amount of passion as he does us and the body.

We are NOT monsters or dangerous and quite frankly, (in my opinion) some of the safest people around. Here’s a little scenario for you. Let’s say that someone was pushing your buttons over and over to get you to ‘break’ and lose control of your anger. A singleton (a quick way to reference someone who is not a multiple) would eventually lose control of their anger and ‘flip’ – this is assuming that the antagonizing behavior continued most definitely to this point. For us, as a team, what would happen (and has on SEVERAL occasions) is that once things had escalated to a certain point, a protector would then pull whomever was front, inside to ensure they did not lose control of their anger. Then, that protector would front until either one of two things happened, the antagonist gave up, or another protector inside pulled them in and fronted. Self control has always been for us, and in reality, is for everyone multiple or not, vital to our survival. We do not “fly off the handle” – and we also don’t lose control of who’s front simply because we’re being instigated. We work as a team. In the past, during times of abuse, if self control and strategies were not in place and concretely mastered, our life would have been in jeopardy. So with that being said, do I ever worry that I or we, as a team, are or could be a danger to others? – No. Not anymore than anyone that does NOT have DID and quite frankly we have benefits that those without DID don’t have, we have each other to depend on and support in order to maintain safety, self control, and consistency. A singleton, when at their wits end, can’t simply ‘go inside’ and let someone else who is doing better at that point in time, front until they have calmed down or regrouped.

Question #2) “Do you ever worry that you as a team are confusing your son and disrupting his sense of stability and security?”

~ Again, my answer is a firm no. No matter who is front, his daily schedules, needs, and wants are met consistently and efficiently. No matter who is front, he is cared for and attended to & no matter who is front, he is fully aware that he is loved. At the current moment in time, the only one fronting besides myself is Chris. This is due to some knee problems we’re experiencing and the possibility of knee surgery. Therefore, many are staying -far- inside to both minimize the amounts of triggers as well as ensure that those who can’t feel the pain associated with the knee do not unintentionally injure it further.

Chris is very laid back and easy going so oftentimes he and my son enjoy watching movies or simply listening to music and hanging out/chatting while Chris helps me out with the household chores. He and I have also noticed a significant decrease in tantrums and negative behavior when he is fronting vs. when I am front. So it’s not uncommon that on days when I’m significantly stressed or when my son is having a rough day, for him to front the majority of the time as it seems to help my son remain a bit more calm and focused. This is also an example of, for us, how it’s actually quite the opposite of what many people seem to assume. Since I tend to be more high strung than Chris is, we’re able to use that to our advantage as a means of maintaining a ‘low baseline’ of emotional intensity levels in the household. And it’s not quite rocket science, that the lower the emotional intensity in a home is, on a consistent basis, the stronger everyone’s senses of stability and security become. Just as sometimes in other households, if a mom is stressed one day, it can be in everyone’s best interest to let the father (if he’s doing well) do more of the child related activities – because as we all know, children tend to pick up on stress and anxiety levels rather quickly which can affect their behavior – then it becomes a ping pong match back and forth of escalating levels of emotional intensity.

Question #3) “Many people with DID have ‘lost time’, do you experience lost time or ever worry about what happens during these periods of time and how it might affect your son’s safety?”

~ Ok, so first, what -is- “lost time”? Lost time is periods of time that are not accounted for – usually due to someone else fronting and the others not being ‘aware’. So lets say someone in my team fronted for two hours, then once I got to the front again and looked at the clock it was 2 hours later and I was unaware of who had been front and/or what they did. This is common with DID and therefore I do understand the concern although, it’s not one for us. My answer to this question: I am aware of the concern and the many problems that could arise – though I don’t personally ‘worry’ about it as my team and myself have great communication and cooperation as well as strategies to prevent and/or cope with the issue.

A big part of living and functioning with DID is communication and cooperation. I don’t believe that could -ever- possibly be stressed enough!! Roflmao The best way I’ve found to explain or think about a multiple is simply this: Many people sharing one body. For us, the body doesn’t exactly ‘belong’ to any of us. It’s simply the body we all live in/share. Almost like a ‘shell’ that we all utilize in order to interact with the world around us. But seeing as we all share the body, we HAVE to be able to cooperate and compromise. In order to do those things, whether you’re a multiple or not, good communication and communication skills are a MUST. In fact in order for us to handle these types of things we have “council meetings” on a weekly basis – or daily basis depending on what all is happening in our lives at the time. We also have mediation teams, daily support groups for everyone (based on age/gender/personal story etc) and specific people in our team that are responsible for ‘holding down the fort’ and intervening when they see something, whether it be an interpersonal conflict inside or a a rising conflict between those that are inside and the body’s daily/routine life (such as sleeping patterns getting off track etc).

Communication, cooperation, teamwork – it’s not a game to us.

If you are a multiple, lost time is something that can be minimized, handled, and even in some cases, stopped. For us it’s been a matter of getting to know each other, teamwork, and problem solving skills. The more of my teammates I learned about, met, and got to know, the more my lost time seemed to decrease. For many (in my team – as I refuse to speak for anyone else’s lol) lost time can simply be a matter of fear. Whomever is front might not feel safe, confident, or secure enough with the other teammates so they are able to ‘put up a wall’ making the front more difficult to access or be aware of for the others inside. This creates periods of time that for everyone else, can’t quite be ‘accounted for’.

At this point in time, I personally have not met or gotten to know all of my teammates. It’s up to them when they feel safe or comfortable enough to introduce themselves. However, others in my team, collectively, do know and are aware of the entire team. Because of this, I/we have developed preventative strategies to both handle and cope with the concept of lost time. The one that we have found works for us without fail, is that the front is always monitored. No matter who is fronting, and no matter what time of day or night, there’s always someone (one of 4 specific protectors) directly behind the ‘fronter’ monitoring what happens, what is said, and where we are at all times. This helps with many things like for instance, if my son wants something, or needs help with something, that whomever is front, for whatever reason, may be unable to do, the person monitoring the front would know immediately and be able to get front in order to help. Also, if by the time I got to the front and for whatever reason wanted an overview or summary of what was said/done while I was inside, the person who had been monitoring the front would be able to give me a ‘play by play’. One thing we’ve had to pay high attention to is confidentiality. So, as I mentioned we only have 4 protectors that run monitoring duty, that’s part of the reason. Those 4 collectively, are trusted by everyone, if someone wanted front but didn’t trust who was monitoring at that moment, they’re required to speak up and request the one they do trust so that our guidelines are still followed but also, they feel secure. The 4 guys that run monitoring duty are each held to the same vows of confidentiality as that of a counselor – that anything and everything witnessed, overheard, or shared remains confidential unless there’s a concern they may be a danger to themselves or others. They also, because they oftentimes witness many conversation between others of us and our many friends outside of the body, are under an (internal) oath to not disrupt the confidentiality assumed when ‘outsiders’ assume they are only speaking to the one front. But with this confidentiality in the mix, I have to be able to, and do, trust those 4 on monitoring duty, that if/when I ask for a “play by play” sometimes the response will be something to the tune of “Someone fronted and called someone, then started feeling better and has now gone back to sleep. Your son had some celery and an apple for snack and has been watching a movie, it should end in about 45 minutes” If that’s as much detail I’m given I have to respect it – details are not required unless safety or well being has become an issue. So what may be -to me- ‘lost time’ is never unaccounted for because whomever was on monitoring duty at that time would be able to fill me in 100% (aside from confidentiality constraints)

Also, if my son ever needed me when I was inside and unable to watch the front, whomever was on monitoring duty would either front at that time and tend to my son – or get me from inside and push me to the front. So for me/us, this is not something we ‘worry’ about because we are aware of it and have created strategies to handle and prevent it.

Question #4) “Does your son know you are multiple – have you told him – and if not, do you plan to and when?”

~ My son is 4 years old so I have not told him quite yet lol. However, he has figured -something- out. Children are a lot smarter and more perceptive than I think many people give them credit for. One thing I’ve noticed with some of my multi friends that have, or have considered having kids – is this fear that if you tell them you are a multiple, they will react negatively or call you ‘crazy’ – or maybe feel ashamed of you as their parent. That they might lose respect for you as an authority figure in their life, or possibly even reject you altogether. When I first began accepting the reality I was a multiple and stopped running from the truth, I had to face those fears as well. However, like the saying goes “learn from your elders”, I began to listen. I know so many multiples that for one reason or another didn’t tell their children until early or late adulthood. What I’ve learned from them is this, things like trust, relationships, and respect can be worked on, improved, even repaired – but the longer you wait to be upfront, honest, and open with your children – generally speaking, the longer it will take to repair that relationship. Also, it’s been my experience that as people grow, mature, and age, the more our minds tend to close up.

Children are very imaginative and accepting of new ideas and concepts, and it’s my belief that just as we instill the morals and values in our children that we hope to pass onto them at a very early age, we should also spend time introducing them to who we are not only as their parents but as people as well as some of our realities. I think this improves the relationship as they are able to learn and understand us before they are introduced to false concepts like “crazy”. I also think it will prevent feelings of exclusion – as if we as parents (when we tell them later in life) have excluded them from our own lives for so many years and prevented them from getting to know who we really are.

Even though I have yet to sit down with my son and explain these things to him, he’s already figured ‘something’ out LMAO He already knows many of us and so far, 4 of us (including myself) by name. At times when I am fronting and … for example… Chris is directly behind me, some of Chris’ characteristics (such as voice, posture, or terminology like specific nicknames for my son he uses that I don’t) will show through. My son recognizes these changes and often walks up to me, gives me a hug, and says “What’s your name?” This tells me that 1) my son -is- very attuned to those sometimes very subtle differences and aware of something of a concept like ‘mommy is lots of people in one’ or ‘mommy is different’ and 2) that he is accepting of it. As far as ‘when’ I plan to tell him ‘officially’ lmao I don’t honestly have a specific age or time in mind other than maybe around age 10-ish or when I believe he is cognitively mature enough to understand/grasp such a concept as well as be able to voice his concerns, questions, and any possible fears related to it.

If there’s one thing that I could say I’d vowed to myself before he was ever born it would be that he never has to know of the horrors of my past either directly or indirectly. It’s my belief that these are my demons to face and recover from NOT his to grapple with. If however, he were a grown man with a family of his own or the age to be, and confronted me with specific questions, I would not necessarily ‘lock him out’ or dodge them, but I wouldn’t be giving him all the graphic details if I could help it. I say this because I anticipate questions such as “Why are you this way?” I do not intend to nor will I respond with anything even close to “I was abused” or “Mommy was hurt by lots of bad people” Instead, I intend to respond with something similar to “You know how when you’re upset, you take a break, or cry, or run and dance? – Well, mommy’s brain used to make other people inside her body instead” –Is it 100% accurate? Maybe lol Maybe not lol And to be honest, I’m still mulling over, as time goes by, exactly ‘how’ I will tell him and explain it in terms that a child can understand without having to even go near telling my son about my past. But as far as today Is concerned, that’s where my thinking is.

Another ‘handy’ tool I have and will probably utilize are the littles in my team. The term “littles” simply refers to the children (little ones) that I share the body with as well. I could speak to them and ask them “How would you explain to someone your age about us?” That might actually be better in all honesty because they think and communicate just like other children their age. LMAO For about a year now I’ve toyed with the idea of writing a children’s book for other multi parents as a means of having a ‘starting point’ to read with their children and then discuss what it ‘means’ if mommy or daddy is a multiple, now I’m beginning to think that may be a rather wise idea lmao.

I hope this wasn’t too confuzzled LMAO I tend to be a very open person – or at least strive to be lol So I’m never against answering questions or explaining things –as long as I’m able to lmao I do not believe in ‘stupid’ or ‘ignorant’ questions and am not offended easily. I believe questions to be a doorway to understanding and consider part of loving others to be putting ‘touchiness’ aside in order to listen and learn with the other person. If you have to ask a question, the only reason is because either you’ve not had anyone willing to answer/explain it for you yet OR you haven’t found anyone willing to work with you and break it down in a way that makes sense to you. Having very easily hurt feelings in the process of trying to help is never useful What DOES offend me, is a refusal to accept others and judgments that are tied to a refusal to make an effort to learn, grow, and understand. This was partly my reason to write this entry – as well as all the questions I’ve been receiving recently. It truly saddens me that multiplicity is so oftentimes deemed ‘crazy’ and even ‘not real’ as well as the fact that society doesn’t have the correct information and understanding of it. We’re not monsters, we’re not crazy, and we’re not dangerous – anymore than you or anyone else is – or could be But, unfortunately, those differences seem to be awfully frightening to those who are unable to relate. It is my hope that through honest and open communication as well as resources and personal accounts such as this tiny little one, some of these fears can be laid to rest and a true understanding can be achieved. <3

The following song (as you’ve probably noticed by now that I like to attatch a related song to each blog if/when I can) is a bit of a stretch – but I believe it does actually apply. As the song says,

“The truth is kept secret, it’s swept under the rug, if you never know truth then you never know love – Where’s the love y’all!!?”

I’m simply trying to assist the truth in getting out. Truth – Respect – Love – These are ALL stronger than fear. <3

I’m a happy sap! :P

Sally — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 00:54:02 +0000

So it’s been a while since I’ve updated this lol. There’s been a LOT going on. I have to admit no matter what the outcome winds up being on a certain situation in my personal life, I’m enjoying being able to look back and confidently say “I’ve made the right decision.” Releasing my fear and urges to obsess over it has truly helped me be able to get my mind back in focus. As much as I hate to admit it, I was angry. But in releasing my fear – refusing to pay it any attention (which by the way, can be tough as SHIT!!! Lmao) I’ve also been able to let go of the anger. The anger was stemming from insecurity and was fueled by a feeling of injustice. I had to accept the injustice for what it was – not fair, then address the insecurity. I learned something in that process: Insecurity is not much different than ignorance in that unless it’s faced and dealt with/worked through, it can’t do anything but harm ourselves and others.

In the midst of all this, I’ve been learning to accept other things. Poor moods for example. Those days when I’m just tired or cranky – maybe a bit sad. I’m slowly learning a process I can go through, first I accept/acknowledge it. Then, I ask myself “Is there anything I can do about it?” Like eat something if I’m hungry (as that can exasperate the situation) or have a soda or cup of coffee (sometimes a bit of caffeine can help if you’re tired) maybe plan to go to bed early that night as well – maybe call or txt a friend or relative – write about it as an outlet. Then, once I’ve done that, or if I can’t do anything, I consciously choose to actively (the key word lol) do something in opposition to how I’m feeling. Recently for me, it’s been to listen to a specific song that’s upbeat, catchy, and that I have a personal connection to. No matter how I’m feeling it makes me smile, encourages feelings of gratitude, adoration, joy, strength, and a child-like innocence. I have to admit lol I’ve been listening to it practically nonstop these days lol But, it makes me feel….. Free, in a way. Free from all the negativity I choose not to submerge myself in. But even now, with as much as I’ve been listening to it these past couple weeks, it drives me to swinging with the music, smiling, laughing, and at the very least, allowing me to feel comfort, love, and peace.

I’ve noticed a lot that society as a whole (in my opinion) isn’t exactly what’s I’d call a ‘happy bunch of folks’

When I’m standing at my son’s bus stop in the morning, I’m usually playing this specific song on my phone while I simply dance and sing along with him on the sidewalk. One thing I enjoy, is seeing people driving by when they see us and laughing or smiling and waving – being ‘happy’ even if just for those few seconds.

One afternoon a while back, I was in line at the store and feeling very sad/lonely – I literally wanted nothing more than to just run home, curl back up in bed, and cry my bloody eyeballs directly out of their sockets. It was just NOT a good day. So I turned on my phone and listened to the song. I chose to actively participate in the joy I knew it -usually- brought me – I was swaying to the music and mouthing the words lol There was a man next to me whom I didn’t know but he was visibly upset – he looked the way I felt. I waved at him enthusiastically (to the point of plain goofiness lol) smiled and said “Hi!!!!” lol while I started dancing to my song (which he couldn’t hear because I had headphones on – I WAS In a store mind you LMAO) I KNOW I looked like a fool. But it was cheering me up!! LMAO What startled me was that he then smiled back at me, started laughing, and in between his laughter said “Have a great day!” as he walked off. I felt empowered! I’d managed to cheer him up! Hell, he could have been laughing AT me for all I knew or cared LMAO but it had cheered him up. And THAT had cheered me up. From that point on my day had made a complete turn around. I don’t know, maybe I’m just a complete sap at heart lol but I truly wish people would simply smile at one another more – make fools of ourselves – what’s so wrong with that?? LMAO Be silly – have fun – ENJOY life!

Happiness is just as contagious as misery – if not moreso. When we’re supporting others, why do we always seem to leave out one of the most important aspects? Happiness – humor – laughter – joy. You can still be validating, compassionate, and understanding as well while also sharing joy and love – even if only for a moment or two. Even if it does mean making a complete fool of yourself! Be confident in yourself and be generous with love. Yeah, ok, I guess I AM a complete sap at heart lmao But that’s ok though LMAO Because I shall embrace my sappiness and use it to suit the other aspects of who I am lmao

*sigh* It has been a roller coaster though.

My birthday has passed yet again lol And this year I made it all about showing love, compassion, and comfort to myself so I celebrated by devoting it and my cake to my fav sports team, Melbourne Storm (NRL) THIS year was NOT about fear, pain, suffering, or abuse – it was about being happy and loved. Bottom line – be happy.

I’m also still in a knee immobilizer and have been since July 18th. I have many bone fragments swimming around in it and need to have them removed – it’s still swollen and also apparently (according to the docs) has fluid in it. Therefore, I’m awaiting surgery. I meet with my surgeon’s PA on Oct. 17th which will be just a day short of 3 months since this all started. Then I’ll have a pre-op appointment – and then surgery. I’m losing a good bit of muscle tone in my left leg, have multiple issues/fears regarding medical professionals, instruments, and treatments, and this continues to drag out. I found out in June that my thyroid cancer is now in remission and to be honest, at that time, had TRULY been hoping for a break from the world of medicine lol But I have to accept – “just not right now”.

So where am I at mentally now? What’s my mindset the -majority- of the time these days? — “I don’t care.” that’s right lol

DON’T

CARE.

Lmfao – it is what it is. This HAS gone on for way too long and has been a ridiculously long and idiotic battle with my insurance. But now, I’m just laughing at all the frustration. Not because I think this isn’t a serious concern – or because I’m not worried about possible long term effects etc but because if I don’t, the negativity and fear will consume my day to day life. I HAVE to find things to laugh at, smile about, I have to focus on things that empower me and bring me JOY – or else I will feel ‘the victim’ and helpless. But I’m only as helpless as I tell myself I am or allow myself to feel – so, I laugh, smile, and be happy to empower myself instead. As a result, I’ve been spending a lot of my time working on this, doing things that bring me comfort, joy, laughter, sanity, and strength. My writing has been more on topics I keep off of this particular blog – it’s stuff that would be better suited for my other one. But at the same time, it’s not necessarily been aimed to be “productive” so much as entertaining I’ve been simply working out certain personal things and also writing for the sole purpose of allowing my mind to wander and explore the more ‘pleasant’ side of my imagination lol

Although in thinking about it, I believe I am due for a blog entry on here about DID and my experiences with it. As a single mother labeled DID I’ve heard about, experienced, and witnessed many things and have MUCH to say about it. So much in fact, I could probably write for days on that topic lol Believe it or not I -am- very opinionated, I’m just also very open, curious, and a FIRM believer in that “Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.” — BUT, we also don’t all walk around caulking up everybody’s arseholes that we may not particularly like or want to be around LOL And yes I can be crude and somewhat of a smartass LMAO But it’s the truth! And you know it too!! don’t even try to deny it

Okie dokies artichokies, I’ll be signing off now,

Stay happy!

Lessons from Nature

Sally — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 00:44:07 +0000

I’ve been doing a ton of thinking and soul searching recently. My writing on Wednesday really got me to thinking “Holy shit!! It’s been right in my face this whole time! Talk about looking in the damned mirror!!” Love, understanding, generosity, time, compassion, acceptance – they don’t ‘belong’ to me, they -belong- to LIFE!! And another thing that comes to mind: patience.

Obviously, I tend to look at things a bit differently than most people I know. I can look at nature and see so much. Take a tall, strong, beautiful tree for example — Patience: it waits patiently for the next rainfall to water its roots. Generosity: Providing oxygen for other living beings to thrive on. Love: Blessing birds, squirrels, and other living creatures with shelter, safety, warmth, and comfort. Acceptance: swaying with the breeze – taking what mother nature dishes out in stride – even those that get struck by lightning sometimes continue to live, adapt to the damage and continue to thrive even if it means growing in a different direction etc. No, I’m not giving inanimate objects emotions – I’m saying that qualities I strive for – qualities I search for in people – I find examples and lessons of – in nature. Obviously a tree has no other option than to ‘accept’ what mother nature does – but that’s my point. Sometimes we do things because we can – that aren’t in our best interest. Like fighting reality – we can fight reality, yes – it wont change it but we can fight it. Nature can not fight it – it just is. A tree is ‘patient’ while it ‘waits’ for the next rainfall because it has no other choice LMAO But even if it -did- have a choice LOL not being patient wont change the fact that it’s will rain when it rains – nothing can control that. Love, I’m not saying that trees can love – or even that providing for others ‘is’ love – but my point is a tree has –no choice– It’s a tree!! LOL If we, as people, do those things and anything else WITH love, then we are -loving- others. Through those lessons, I find compassion, forgiveness, understanding, mercy, and hope.

I spent time outside Wednesday night and Thursday just listening. Listening to my heart, my grief, my fears, and my doubt. Then I turned towards nature, cleared my mind of everything, said a swift prayer, took a deep breath, and focused on the trees in my back yard. I watched as the wind flew through their branches – them standing strong, appearing unshakable in the darkness – then I understood.

I’ve spent the past 2 months drenched in heartache, despair, anger, confusion, and self pity. It has been complete turmoil for me in the aftermath of some odd circumstances, misunderstandings, and (I believe) many fears and hurt feelings across the board. I DO NOT like things unresolved or ‘left hanging’ I prefer to ‘get in there’ and find a solution, compromise, or at least ‘understanding’. But the more I thought about it I realized, nature doesn’t ask ‘why’ – it doesn’t need ‘understanding’ In nature you simply face/accept what happened. When -time- is allowed, things simply continue to progress – one way or the other. When a tree is struck by lightning and still remains standing, only time will tell if it will be able to survive, adapt, and thrive once more. Life is in everything. From a blade of grass to wind rustling through the trees, to emotions and relationships, even to the still waters of a pond. You can’t -force- life anymore than you can control the location of a lightning strike or the direction of a tornado. It just is. You accept it, you respect it, and you pick up afterwards starting a new.

So, what have I been doing? I’ve been milking ‘life’ dry. I’ve been trying to squeeze understanding, acceptance, patience, love, and compassion out of a situation. But that’s not how -nature- works. Example, if your horse is injured, you don’t try and ‘bargain’ with time trying to see how you could possibly ride it while it’s trying to heal – if you do, you’re a fool LOL You don’t try and force or control how long it will take your horse to heal – you simply give it medical attention, love, and time. Time to heal. You feed all those aspects of life back into it. Patience, love, understanding, compassion, generosity, and acceptance.

So then what -should- I be doing? That’s what I’ve been all but breaking my back over lately. “What am I supposed to do??!!” — “How am I supposed to handle THIS situation!!!!???”

My answer?

Exactly what nature does. Afterall, nature THRIVES (when we don’t mess with it that is LMAO)

Life is NOT complicated – we MAKE it complicated. But the raw exposed realities of life – of truly living – truly being happy – the raw foundation of life itself is simple, honest, and straight forward.

I wait. No, I don’t put my life on hold – nature does not either. But I decide what I want, what makes me happy, and feed life into that. If it’s something that I truly want that much, that fulfills me and makes me feel that much richer, then I feed into it, I nourish it, and support it.

~If it’s meant to be – it will be.~

I take a deep breath, accepting reality, close my eyes in acknowledgment of the importance it and everyone involved has to my heart, and then I do the most crucial step – I gently feed life into the situation, releasing my fears and desperation for control over the outcome – to the powers that be. I become patient. I become generous by allowing time – by refraining from milking it dry – by stepping back -just enough- so that life, healing, and growth can occur. I -provide- compassion, understanding, and support when and where it is welcome.

So now, hour of truth. Do I truly believe things will wind up the way I wish them to? Not really unfortunately, because there’s just so many factors involved – but I want to believe It lol I want to believe it with all my heart.

So why do I not ‘just let go’? – Because this is important to me. This is a matter of the heart. This is something that if I -don’t- show it grace – I wont be able to forgive myself. This is something that, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the outcome (that has yet to be) involves people I hold -extremely- close to my heart – and would go above and beyond for in the blink of an eye with no questions asked. So I guess at this point, it’s my time to prove that. It’s time for me to practice being humble and patient. – For how long? I can’t say – though I do believe that when that time comes – I will know. At that point, it wont be questionable – it will be clear as day and undeniable. I will know.

My friends just want me to be happy and I understand that. However, I feel happy when I’m confident in how I’m living my life. I feel happy when I’m obediently following my heart AND conscience. And I feel happy when I am surrounded by those I love, admire, and cherish. Theses are all things I -require- to be happy. The specifics of which my friends refer to are of less significance in relation to my heart. Yes, they are important – yes, they are even required … however they are ‘required’ when the time comes. And if that time never comes then so be it. I will know – and best of all I wont be able to say I didn’t try. I know many of my friends will not agree with me on this – but those of my friends that ‘just want me to be happy’ can support me best by simply remaining by my side as I work to remain positive and patient.

As I said earlier, I see life and all its intricacies differently – and as a result I do my best to live accordingly LOL

Apathetic Humanity

Sally — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 19:39:30 +0000

What is humanity?

Human nature.

Human beings collectively.

The fact or condition of being human.

Yes, I had to look it up. I like that last one. “The fact or –condition– of being human. I sometimes think being human feels like a curse. A –condition–

Have you ever noticed when someone hurts someone else – advertently or inadvertently – people have a tendency to respond with “We’re all human” I see it everyday. Discrimination, gossip, judgments, the blind eye that gets turned to the hungry neighbor (I used neighbor in the form of seeing each individual as equal – a neighbor) Hell, even abuse. “We’re all human.”

I’m reminded of a quote from the movie Se7en – said by Detective William Somerset (played by Morgan Freeman)

“I just don’t think I can continue to live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was virtue.”

Have you ever noticed how “human nature” seems to be an excuse these days? One filled with apathy and the glorification of it? We look around us and make judgments, assumptions, and excuses. While even some of us refuse to look around.

“Oh, he’s probably only wanting money for booze, not food.”

“Well, she’d leave the relationship if she -wanted- to…”

“His parent said he’s just seeking attention – they wouldn’t be abusing him anyhow.”

“I -would- stop to see if her car needs a jump – but I’m already running late for church.”

“I -would- pick up that litter, but I’m sure someone else will later – if not, someone gets paid to do it anyways.”

Apathy. Since when do people assume themselves any better than the person next to them? Since when are compassion, understanding, generosity, and love -only- available to those we deem ‘worthy’ of our time and effort? Since when do we look at those around us struggling and assume ‘someone else will help them’ – ‘someone else will have the time’ – ‘someone else will listen’ If everyone else has the same mentality, where does the buck stop?

How is it that people can hear about child abuse – rape – domestic violence – discrimination – and not have anything to say other than “That’s a shame.” ? How is it people can look at someone battling addiction or homelessness – someone needing assistance, and turn a blind eye? What are we afraid of? The mirror?? Afraid we’ll discover parts of ourselves within that person? Afraid of pain?? Afraid that in the process of learning about and understanding someone else’s pain – the process of compassion, we might feel pain ourselves? We might actually feel angry, sad, or scared with and for that person?

I am human. And yes, I HATE to admit that. It’s a curse – It REALLY is!! Because human nature/humanity is something I DO NOT want to be associated with. I -do not- respect apathy. But why does it seem so acceptable in society? I feel as though we either refuse to – or are afraid to accept that fact that no one person is better than the other. No one group, culture, association, opinion, or collection of beliefs is of a higher importance or stature than the other.

Time, compassion, love, acceptance, understanding, generosity — These are all a part of LIFE. They do not ‘belong’ to us – they ‘belong’ to life.

“I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order once more.” – John Burroughs

And I do. Humanity enrages me. Mother nature does not. But “human nature” – what’s happened to it? Don’t try to tell me “It’s more complicated than that” because it’s really not. If it’s worth it, we make the time and find the energy. We work at it. It’s a matter of priorities. It’s a matter of saying “This is unacceptable” It’s a matter of NOT being apathetic. NOT turning a blind eye because we’re scared of the mirror or afraid of pain. It’s a matter of not just -considering- ourselves respectable – But BEAHVING respectably.

Life -is- Hope.

Sally — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 21:53:38 +0000

I’m going through so much right now. I feel like I should be updating this journal at least once a month – but just haven’t even been able to return my phone calls recently. Honestly, I’m not too sure what to say without winding up in a whiney rant. I’m hurting. I feel like someone’s taken a machete and sliced clean through me. I feel like the world has carried on and left me behind superglued to the bottom of the ocean. Watching everyone get swept away with the tides. I’m going through so many negative emotions – and as a way of coping am simply lieing to everyone I know and “having fun” when inside I’m battling myself –constantly– to not pick up a pair of scissors and ruin my 1+ year record. I have every intention though of doing anything and everything I need to to maintain my record. But I still sit here either holding back the tears – or unable to control them anymore and feeling like a complete worthless and useless failure.

I’m still working on getting surgery done on my knee. I’m engrossed in trigger upon trigger and feel like my life has just taken off without me leaving me behind for dead. I’ve lost most all hope at this point. Like I said, pain is IMMENSE. I don’t remember what “hope” feels like – BUT I do know that eventually, after I ride this tide, I will. It’s just not meant for me to have hope right now I think. Perhaps, I need to learn -again- that even without hope, without the FEELING of hope in my life… it still remains – whether I see it or not.

I want to be happy again. Even something small to feel happy about for a few minutes. I miss feeling loved and comforted and happy. But, perhaps that’s what I need to drill into my skull some more – because I know whether I “feel” them or not – they’re still ‘there’ – there’s still prospect.

With everything going on in my personal life – I feel ashamed. Ugly, worthless, useless, guilty, and ashamed. It’s definitely strengthening the challenge to remember that regardless of how I feel – it doesn’t make those lies true. Nevertheless, feeling them, is not fun.

I guess perhaps one can find hope in a dream though.. because if you still have hopes and dreams – you still have something to work for. I feel as though almost all of my hopes and dreams have been stripped from me. Against my will. But one remains. I still hope to find and train another service dog for myself. – There it is lol – “I still hope”

I still don’t know what to say but I suppose this is a better update than nothing LOL The terror, concern, and pain are very intense right now but I know if I don’t force myself up in the morning to get dressed and continue SOME kind of schedule I will simply slip farther and farther from the finish line. I guess I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on or arms to curl up in right about now lol – But then again – what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…. and If I had those things I wouldn’t be able to learn how to manage without – and to learn that I can do just as fine as well.

It just hurts.

Anyways, below is a clip that made me a ball of tears – against my will mind you LMAO it’s rather difficult to make me cry especially when I’m purposefully working not to. That’s one of my strengths – that I’m able to not cry no matter what until I decide it’s ok. But this clip… just hits way too many things on the nail for me.. and by the time it got to the part that says “If I can make it… so can you!” – I think I simply felt validated. As if – “Hey!!! It’s ok – even though I don’t have faith in myself right now – maybe someone else out there does” – anyways, I just burst into tears – and still am working on stopping them at the moment lol.

Well, until next time,

————————————————————————-

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival;
a joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and attend them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows
who violently sweep your house empty
of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourable.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the same, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each guest has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Malal al-Din Rumi ~

The Battered Mainsail

Sally — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 06:35:04 +0000

I know my attitude is all well within my control. I know my attitude is linked to my thought patterns. I regularly allow myself to express the negativity – then after so much time I decide it’s time to ‘focus on the positive’ and work towards the positive goals. What I think about is the foundation of how I will perceive everything around me. If I’m consciously seeking out the beauty around me, the good news, the positive energy… If I’m consciously CHOOSING to reject the negative thoughts – worries – concerns – regrets – the feelings of “I’m never going to get that chance.. that experience.. that priveledge” and simply steer my mind in the direction of taking pride in all that I’ve accomplished so far – allowing myself the time to explore the beauty and wonder in this moment and allow myself to HAVE dreams and goals and slowly teach myself to plan and … step by step make strides in the direction of my own choosing – then eventually I slowly begin to see my attitude, mood, and emotional well-being shift from one of hopelessness to one of hopefulness.

But still there are those times when you’re reminded of the choices you’re making in your life. You’re snapped to reality of what’s around you. The reality that the future is -not- set in stone. So just as one should not worry about things to come… because one can not see into the future… You begin to feel this overwhelming sense of depression in clinging onto the future which hold in its hands your hopes and dreams because yet again… one can not see into the future. Then, and only then, does the creulty of time feel like an ever present dagger piercing though your lungs driving down into your gut. It’s then that words fail you – thoughts deaden – doubt and desperation consume you – and ultimately… tears overwhelm you.

You begin to feel ashamed for feeling so full of self pity. You realize ultimately that it is your choices and your choices alone that steer the ship and while you know you’re headed in the right direction and you know any other direction would simply feel like being imprisoned… you still sometimes find yourself feeling as though the direction you’re headed may never get you to the destination you desire. Feeling as though… perhaps this life doesn’t have a ‘target point’ .. maybe this life is meant more for exploration and not selfish fulfillment of each and every dream.

You begin to retreat. You slide the sails down and retire to the stern. Resting your mind. Searching -yet again for your own self. Watching as the waves crash up and over the bow. Shutting out all the noise and simply listening to the echoes of mother nature.

Oppression is a powerful force – but It is when uncertainty and one’s acceptance of it alongside their acceptance of that which will never be collides with it – that the partial tear in your mainsail turns into a gaping hole.

So what then do you do when you’ve run out of fabric and clothing to once again repair the mainsail? When you’re left sitting in that stern naked and exposed – nothing left to remove from your body and use as a patch? …… Does it then become the time to bring down your jib and simply use THAT to patch up your mainsail?

Perhaps this life is not meant to reach a destination… but merely to learn how to find peace amongst even the most SEEMINGLY hopeless times. Maybe – just maybe – instead of being so caught up in what you want or where you want to go or end up… you’re energy should be spent more on simply observing, listening, and gaining wisdom.

When you’re left in the quiet staring at the whirlpool of reality – do you allow yourself to be sucked in – or do you continue to manually force the ship around it for hope that maybe one day your SOS call will be responded to, your questions answered, and your needs fulfilled?

When the buoys have tapered off to nothing do you follow your compass and your gut – or do you submit to the hiss of the wind against the mast?

Part Three: Abundance in Life

Sally — Sat, 21 May 2011 04:32:22 +0000

Part Three: Abundance in Life

So what would a ‘full life’ look like for me? For starters, it would be a life I would now live for myself. A life of being myself, standing up for myself, a life that for once would NOT require me to hide. A life devoid of pretending to be who others want – but instead being who I am – who I want to be. For me a full life would begin within myself. It would begin with showing myself the same compassion, acceptance, and unconditional love that comes so easily to me for others. It would begin by completely re-vamping the way I look at myself. Refusing to call myself silly or foolish. Refusing to call myself a freak when staring into the depths of my own wants, needs, passions, interests, and kinks. It would be laughing at myself all in good fun with confidence in my acceptance of myself rather than laughing at myself from a place of insecurity and feelings of awkwardness or shame. It would mean internalizing and solidifying the way I portray myself in public vs. giving myself over to the way I see myself behind closed doors. It would mean not being ashamed of myself, my past or my body – but rather owning them, releasing my fears surrounding them, and adopting the phrase “What will be, will be.” It would begin by freeing myself from the need to internalize labels, with the realization that no one two, five, or even twenty things defines me. Living a full life would begin by setting myself free.

By setting myself free the doors to my life would begin to unhinge themselves. I would gradually begin to realize that I’m already the mom I want to be for my son. – Wow. Lmao. Um, lmao that just kinda ‘’flew’ outta my pen….. Lmao. – ………..I already AM the mother I want to be. Wow. - For me a full life would be surrounding myself and my son with the other members of our family. It would mean being so blessed to see him interacting with them daily – loved, cherished, adored. The opportunity to raise him in the same household as his daddy and mommies. To see them embrace him, spend time with him and nurture him as he grows up. To see the angel in my life be that lucky as to be raised in such a household that embraces the human spirit, practices unconditional love, and encourages independence and success.

A full life would be acknowledging my weaknesses but not submitting to them. It would be finding ways to strengthen them. It would be allowing myself to feel -proud- of obtaining and having a service dog and allowing myself to utilize that in the best ways possible so as to be more able to do what I want with my life. It would be living my life as the inquisitive and social creature that I am. For me living a full life would be taking those things I am most passionate about and making them work for me as I not only build my life around them but get to -live- my life -through- them. Living a full life would mean taking the causes that mean the most to me and stepping directly into them. Not sitting on the sidelines feeling helpless as I watch what’s happening around me – but stepping into them and making a difference. My idea of living a full life is one of raising my son and living amongst my partners. Seeing him grow from the beautiful boy he is into the man he wants to be. It’s seeing my amazing partners continue to reach their goals and dreams and being so blessed as to be able to be there and support them along the way in any way that I can. A full life for me would be to accept ALL of myself and to cultivate a career that I can uphold regardless of any weaknesses I may have. To make it a career that means something to me. One that I’m interested in if not passionate about. It’s taking causes that mean something to me – and giving back to this world. In totality, a full life to me is taking my life back, owning it, and cultivating and living my own true paradise on Earth. Showing, if not to anyone else, at least to myself that this world does NOT have to be one of oppression and isolation – but rather one of happiness, freedom, and companionship. A full life, in my opinion, should be just that – full. Overflowing with all the love, joy, and openness that life has to offer.

“Man is the artificer of his own happiness.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

Part Two: The chain link fence / A slave to society

Sally — Fri, 20 May 2011 18:29:37 +0000

Part Two: The chain link fence / A slave to society.

I’ve been thinking on and off all morning about this. So what does society seem to consider as ‘good’/’bad or ‘right’/’wrong’? Unfortunately, the answer to that is awfully convoluted and in reality can’t simply be answered with a basic ‘rule of thumb’ This has been one of my many issues with applying society’s views to the way I choose to live my life. Some things are considered ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ – though when questioned as to –why– are unable to be solidly supported. I’ve noticed the same applies even to things that society deems as ‘ok’/’good’/’right’ There is one answer I’ve found that circulates through society as the most basic/general rule of thumb and that is; If someone is hurting themselves or others it is then considered to be ‘wrong’/’bad’. While I do personally consider this to be an important way to look at many things I can’t help but be flabbergasted by the fact that not many people seem to realize … or be bothered by the fact that there’s more holes in that answer than in a chain link fence. Because again, we’re posed with the question “What and who defines the ‘harming’ of oneself or others?”

To give a cut and dry example, let’s say…. assault. The assailant is harming the other person – and at times will wind up harming themselves in the process. So logically here I believe it is safe to assume that society’s ‘rule of thumb’ will suffice. But what about something a little less blatant? Hmmm….. Here I’m tempted to use BDSM as an example. B/D (Bondage / Discipline) D/s (Dominance / submission) S/M (Sadism / Masochism) All of these terms are grouped together to form the acronym commonly known as BDSM. This one is NOT “cut and dry” Although, by much of society, BDSM is judged to be ‘bad’/’wrong’/’harmful if not to oneself than to others. The reality, is that BDSM is BASED ON mutual consent and safety. To the untrained eye, someone being flogged, paddled, of whipped may look as though they are being harmed. But for the persons involved, is something done with the most absolute consideration for safety and well-being (both physically and emotionally) It is these considerations and the element of consent that supports my internal conflict. Who is society to say that such acts are ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ when they are done consensually and with the utmost regard to every participant’s safety and well being? It has been my experience, that this is where a high percentage of society would argue what specifically defines ‘harm’ or ‘harmful’ Here is where the hole in this fence should be showing – I fail to see how they couldn’t be.

Now, taking it down another notch. Allow me to be so bold as to mention same sex couples and Polyamory as my example here. Again, it has been my experience that a rather large percentage of society will look at both of these as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’. However, the ‘holes’ in the arguments here are, in my opinion, even wider than with something such as BDSM. I’ll begin with same sex couples. Here you’ve got 2 people who love, respet, and care for each other. They choose to live together just as a heterosexual couple would. I fail to see how -anyone- could say there is harm to anyone in or around such a relationship. I also fail to see -grounds for- a debate of the definition of the word ‘harm’. Secondly, we have poly-amorous relationships. In short I define polyamory as “Loving more than one” A poly-amorous relationship, by my own definition, is one of 2 or more simultaneous intimate relationships in which each person is – at minimum – aware of the other. I repeat, I fail to see the ‘harm’ being done in such a relationship much less ‘grounds for’ a debate on the definition of the word ‘harm’ Now to play Devil’s Advocate for one second. I -am- aware that many would argue that these two types of relationship are ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ due to religious beliefs etc. Which actually leads me into my final example. The simple act of one deciding for themselves what -they- choose to allow to affect their decisions and lives. Who’s to say someone is ‘wrong’ simply because they went against societal norms and instead took initiative over their own lives to decide which judgments were appropriate/applicable to their individual beliefs/ways of living. There have been many times when people assumed they could ‘look down’ on me -simply- because I chose to decide for myself (the few times I felt brave enough to do so) what I decide to be a ‘right’/’wrong’ or ‘good’/’bad’ way of living MY OWN life.

Each example I have listed here if not directly, than indirectly. These are the reasons I have chosen these specifically. Because I feel more confident in discussing as examples topics I myself have experienced. Yes, I’ve been assaulted before. Yes, I do practice BDSM. No, I am not in a same sex relationship – but the person I wrote this entry in mind with (he knows who he is) has been battling his own reality with this. Yes, I am in a poly relationship. And yes, I -have- had the argument of religion/spirituality thrown in my face as to why same sex and poly relationships are to some, considered ‘bad’ My counter argument is and has always been basically: Apparently -you- consider this harmful on a spiritual/religious standpoint/level. But A) who’s to say you and I share those beliefs and B) who’s to say my beliefs, if similar to yours, consider my actions to be harmful/detrimental?

My goal here…. LOL and I really hope I’ve at least SOMEWHAT achieved it rather than ramble myself into oblivion (I’m fully aware of my tendency to do so ) Was to point out how FOR ME going with the most generic of society’s ‘judgment calls’ is more than utterly absurd. There’s more holes in them from my perspective than there is -substance- To me, following this prescribed line of thinking would be absolutely no different than blindly submitting myself and my life to what for me would amount to a pure Hell on Earth. I would not be able to be or do the things that make up who I am and want to be. The things that bring, such love, joy, comfort, compassion, tranquility, and exuberance into my life. I would not be able to live my life in a way that supports, nurtures, and encourages not only who I am as a person but also who I am as a whole. For me, the way I see it, I have no choice other than to weed out those things that society has taught me. The judgments that will not support the direction I want to and -am- leading my life into. To choose otherwise not only would be no different than refusing to respect and love myself as the person I -truly- am. But also in my opinion would feel an awful lot like handing myself over as a defeated slave to society.