Recovering from Childhood Animal Rape

Blooming Lotus

Animal skull (c) Lynda Bernhardt

In my last couple of posts, Working Through Shame After Child Abuse and Recovering from Childhood Gang Rape, I have been discussing shame that arises out of experiencing particularly degrading forms of abuse. Perhaps one of the most degrading and shame-inducing forms of abuse is animal rape. Most people are too embarrassed to discuss this topic with another person, even with a trusted therapist or friend, because the level of shame and degradation is so great. Even people using anonymous messages boards for abuse survivors often hesitate to raise this topic. If you are a survivor of animal rape, you are not alone, and the shame that you are feeling is not yours to bear.

The wording of what you experienced is important. Some abuse survivors label the animal rape as “bestiality,” but bestiality implies consent. If you were a child whose abuser chose to orchestrate sexual contact between…

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Letting Go

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is let go.
Especially when it’s things you’ve held onto for so long. *Sigh*

In order to survive, when you’re put to the test, things that aren’t true, things that kill you inside, things that scorch your very being to the core – are what you *need* to hold onto; they give you the anger, adrenaline, and *fuel* you need to survive. You take those things in, absorb them, and turn them into your very life force.

Anger, pain, terror – these things are powerful. And, when needed, can be turned around to survive in spite of the odds against you.

But what about when you have passed the point of mere ‘survival’? When those things aren’t needed anymore to maintain life? When you begin to see room for hope, there’s really no need to use things like anger, pain and terror as fuel – it’s then time to use hope, comfort, self love, self acceptance, and the willingness to allow the same in from others around you. Those thing then need to become your driving force – otherwise, your ‘driving force’ can drive others away from you… or you from them… or, it can steer you faster and uncontrollably into the direction you need not go.

I’ve been utterly terrified to let go of these things. I’ve held onto them for soooo long. For sooo many years – the entire 25 years I’ve been on this earth, I have used them to “survive” They became almost my safety blanket… my comfort zone… they were, what I was used to.
I had to *trust* that these things, once released, would give me more strength than to hold onto them.

I had to, ultimately, *decide* that I was finished with them. I hit a MASSIVE fork in the road. I’m still crying. I feel empty. Exhausted. Somewhat numb.

But the reality is, I can’t live like that anymore. Not for my son, not for myself, not for anyone I love or care for, and, not for my future. The future I have in mind for myself is filled with love, comfort, acceptance, understanding, trust, loyalty, patience – and all of these things, fully abundant and unconditional. But, if I’m still filled with and fueled by (in essence living off of) Anger, resentment, pain..agony, terror… living off of *torment* — how can I accept the opposite?
I can’t.
There’s simply not enough room in there lmao
“Love others as you love yourself.”
It’s not exactly ‘loving myself’ if I continue to hold onto the pain – if I continue allowing those things to harm me emotionally every second of everyday – and especially not when I now have no reason to need that sort of fuel.

I wont lie, I’m still in tears, I feel completely and utterly empty right now. And, because those things were my ‘security blanket’, I’m fucking terrified!!😥 I do NOT know how to live without being fueled by those things!! But, then again, not everything we’re afraid of is necessarily something harmful. Fear in and of itself is simply an internal detection system… so things that are unknown often feel scary – but there’s many unknowns in life that quite remarkably be a massive piece of the puzzle in our quest for happiness and success – if we’d only take that plunge and see what might possibly develop.

It’s now 5:22am, I’ve been up all night. Washing dishes, doing laundry, battling my blasted modem *giggles* ….and then I watched the movie Invictus with Morgan Freeman.

The poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley made me really think tonight. I believe sometimes the answers are right in front of us if we just breathe and listen.
Invictus by William Ernest Henley — http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/invictus/

“I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. ”

It makes you think huh?
—–I—–
Me, myself, only me,
I
am the master
of MY OWN fate

The responsibility lies on myself, and myself alone to ACTIVELY be the captain of my own soul.
I realized, as much as I can wish and hope and pray that things will one day be different for me — no matter how many silver platter could possibly be dropped on my head ROFL

The responsibility still lies, WITHIN ME,
To *manage* MYSELF,
In a manner that is conducive to the fate,
In which I choose to steer my soul towards.

So I have (and quite honestly, still am at this current moment in time) let go of my old ‘drives’

Now, it’s up to me to be patient and allow myself to accept and create what I need to be replacing it with.

Anyways, I’m here lmao I feel like crap😛 — am exhausted, drained, beaten down, and numb — but I’m here.
And, I know without a doubt that I have done something huge – a POSITIVE huge thing lmao And that makes it all worthwhile right now. At least I can feel like crap emotionally, while still feeling so happy for and proud of myself — It’s just not that apparent at the moment because I’m still so numb, exhausted, and raw lmao But I’m proud of myself and happy with my decision.

Something’s better than nothing right? :P ROFLMAO

Been going through a lot these days. Right now is 3:19am, up for the night/day lmao

You know those times when you’re just too concerned, worried, thoughtful, hurt, and just ‘blah’ to sleep? Yeah. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Maybe I am. One of these days I’ll get things straightened out – just need to figure out how first I think lmao

Anyways, I suppose an update is due. Been going through a lot of physical pain issues, a lot of personal life changes and other things. I’m hoping the weather will even out soon lmao

Anyways, I don’t know what else much to write at the moment so guess I’ll end this entry here. Sorry, I know it’s not much of an update ROFLMAO but something’s always better than nothing… or so they say right?😛

Hopefully soon I’ll have more to share – just a bit too stuck in thought at the moment lol

Being Strong? Strength?

On another blog of mine I wrote a bit a while ago about “Weakness”, what it means to be weak, and what I’ve always *assumed* it meant. I learned that my understandings of the word and its definition were all SORTS of out of whack. But recently I’ve been told several times that I’m “stronger” than I know or realize. Honestly I don’t know how to respond when people say that lol I know, most people say “It’s a compliment just say thank you” And I do – but, according to my conscience it doesn’t make sense to accept a compliment you don’t believe. On the contrary, just because I don’t believe it, doesn’t mean I don’t also believe my perspective to be any more accurate than theirs. Quite honestly, I trust their perspective on these topics better than my own considering I don’t exactly have the best track record of giving myself credit where credit is due.😛

So what is strength?

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, one of the definitions is “power to resist force : soliditytoughness”  That’s the main one that jumped out at me, I think mainly because it’s the one that most challenged my own perceptions and understandings of strength.

Much like the saying, “Courage is not – not being scared, it’s pushing through regardless of fear” — Maybe strength is the same? I’ve always said “I’m not strong, I just never had any other options” *giggles* But yet I’m a big believer in “Everything is a choice” So if everything is a choice, if we have a choice in everything – then maybe my focus or… “choice” to not even give myself the options of considering the other choice available was strength in and of itself because I knew which one was smarter.

If you’re fighting something, and you feel like you’re trapped or running head on into battle with no defenses and no clue how you’re going to survive, what do you do?

I’ve always just kept fighting, kept running. Not always sure if I was going forwards or backwards to be honest – but the few times I stopped I wound up noticing my other choice more and more – and that scared me. So my “default” was to stop resting or taking breaks because I wasn’t willing to even look at or consider the other choice – I knew that path too well.

Sitting here today, I feel like my life is a COMPLETE wreck. I feel like it’s in shambles. I feel broken, beaten down, lost, and confused. I feel anything BUT “strong” and I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure as a person, a friend, a mom, a sister, ……a human. *sigh* So when people tell me I’m strong I want to SCREAM!!!!! ROFLMAO I want to slap them – knock some sense into them and say “What the FUCK are you smoking you blind idiot!!!????” —— *sigh* But the more I think about it the more I wonder if they’re onto something.

Ok, so my life is a complete wreck. *deep breaths* I can live with that. For NOW. ROFLMAO ……But understandably so right?? I mean, given everything I’ve been through, everything I’m working on and pushing through, everything that’s happened – It’s understandable! — So does that make me a failure? Am I a “failure” simply because my life is a complete wreck at the moment? Fuck no. I’m only a failure for THAT If I ALLOW my life to CONSTANTLY be a complete wreck – If I refuse to work on it. If I refuse to do everything I can and know to do to clean up the mess and make my own path. So no, just because my life is a complete wreck, which it is LMAO – It does NOT mean I’m a failure. It means I have the balls to face it for what it is, a complete and utter WRECK — and that I have the balls to admit I have NO FUCKING CLUE how do it on my own anymore.

I feel broken down, beaten, lost, and confused. To me, that “means” I’m anything BUT “strong” – It “means” I’m a weak pathetic little failure. It “means” thatI’m not strong enough to hack it. So if that’s how I see myself, then OF COURSE when I hear others say I’m strong, my initial reaction will be anything but gratitude o acceptance of a compliment LMAO

But again, If I am/was those things, “A weak pathetic little failure / Not strong enough to hack it” how would I have made it this far?😛 If I think I’m too “weak” to make it — obviously SOMETHING in me did. I mean, I’m still here, right?😛 I may not have made here riding on the top of the waves like a pro lmao but I fucking made it somehow🙂 I made it through things people watch in horror movies, thing people only see in their nightmares, I made it through more than what most people overcome in 40 years on earth in less than 25 years. I may not have made it through “on top” — YET — But I did make it. That’s something….. right?

So I’ve proven I CAN hack it — perhaps not as eloquently as I would prefer to be able to😛 But I can – I have. And if I could make it this far – then who’s to say I can’t make it through the home stretch?

*giggles* the smart ass in me says “Hacking isn’t exactly a skill!!”😛 The Merriam-Webster definition of “Hack” (the applicable one here) is:       ” to cope”    Ok, lmao so maybe it is somewhat of a skill😛 But to me “Hacking” is more ‘to survive’ I think more of the definition of crudely chopping away brush to make one’s way through a forest or jungle. Not worrying so much about carefully tending what I’m chopping – just chopping so I can get through. Surviving. …….Survival takes strength…… right??? I don’t know. I guess. Herein lies my dilemma. I’ve always looked at it as “Yay I survived… big whoop…” — But in all honesty, if I hadn’t survived, I’d be dead. Surviving involves fighting for your life, and WINNING that fight. ………..I can think of millions of STRONG men and women who’ve died in a fight – they didn’t survive but they were strong.

Maybe my issue here is not that I’m in shambles – not that my life is a wreck – but that I’m not looking past that to realize how much I’ve endured and pushed through to sit where I’m sitting right now. Maybe strength has nothing to do with weakness. Or does it? Determination, perseverance, passion – those aren’t characteristics of someone who’s weak – It takes strength of mind and character to actively live those. You can’t be weak minded or weak hearted to live your life with those characteristics. ROFLMAO So maybe I’m NOT as weak as I think😛 Maybe I AM — MUCH stronger than I think. And maybe…. I’m just too scared to actively acknowledge that to be truth because to do so involves emotion – and up until recently, emotion was “weakness” as well.

 

 

A Bona Fide Me

A Bona Fide Me
I am me.
I am a friend
A mother
A daughter
And a lover.
I am a sister
And a sinner
A thinker
As well as a planner.
I’m a hypocrite
And a smoker
An idealist
And a survivor.
An optimistic wannabe,
A pessimist
~But not at heart~
I’m a feeler
And an empath,
A yearner
And a dreamer
I can be genuine and goofy
Trusting
~And honest~
I am gullible
And sincere
Compassionate
And filled with fire.
I am mistaken
And misunderstood,
Misjudged.
~And all too often,
Overlooked.
I am not a screamer
Or a hater
But I’m not your pretty little doormat either.
I am a forgiver
But not a forgetter,
A strong woman,
And an equal.
I am patient
And observant,
A mystery to unravel.
I speak when I’m spoken to.
But don’t let it fool you,
I am spontaneous and silly,
I *will* stupefy you.
I love mother nature
And all of her creatures
And can be peaceful and practical
Sometimes even predictable.
A sunny brisk day
Can warm my heart
Though not as much
As the silence of the dark.
I find pleasure in pain,
And pain in pleasure.
I can see the anger in your joy,
And I sense the hope in your despair.
I have been through hell
And been through heaven
It is our minds,
I believe,
That create them.
I am not for rent
Or for hire
I *do* believe
In the lightning
Amidst the fire.
I will listen
And advise
I can criticize
Or comply.
I will not however
Shade my eyes,
From the dagger of your lies.
I do not make demands
Instead I request
Your choice is your own
I can only do my best.
Religion’s not much my forte,
Though supporting you
And yours,
Shall be my pleasure.
I have bad days
And shitty moods,
I can be hurtful,
Mean and rude.
Though please believe
This is not my intention,
At worst
I’m simply craving
Some of your attention.
I’m a puppy at heart.
Not to mention,
A brat
That’s too smart!
I have my vices
But don’t we all?
And my Pandora’s box
Is not quite small.
I am a singer
And dancing wannabe
Both without
The skills to boot!
I am a caregiver
And stubborn
Pensive
And passion driven
And I will not attack
Or criticize your imperfections.
I am true and tested,
Proven and proud,
Imperfect and scarred,
Undeniably authentic.
This is the bona fide me.
And it’s been my pleasure,
To make your acquaintance!😛

My views on single parenting with DID

So lately I’ve been receiving a ton of questions about “single parenting with DID” Questions ranging from the basic “Isn’t it tough?” to “Do you honestly think people like ‘us’ (those with DID) can actually raise kids without a spouse – single handedly and not fuck them up?” Even to questions as blunt as “Don’t you ever worry about your son’s well being especially if you experience “time loss” from time to time?”  The amount of text messages, emails, phone calls, and other private messages that I receive on this topic has escalated drastically in the past week or so. Therefore, I figured why not lay it all out right here? LMAO For the ‘background info’ I will be as ‘lamens terms friendly’ as possible and will not be going into the DSM IV criterion but instead, blunt terms hat support -my- experience with it. If you’re looking for a thesis on the subject you’d might want to research elsewhere😉
So from -my- perspective what -is- “DID”? DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder. The key word being dissociative. Dissociation is… pretty much, an extreme form of spacing out. For me it was a coping skill/survival mechanism to handle extreme abuse I endured at a very young age. For a child that young, and the abuse I endured, I -had- to ‘space out’ to survive – my mind had to remove itself as far away from everything as possible. Now if dissociation is a form of spacing out, lets say I suffered a broken bone during the abuse – It’s very possible I might not have even felt a hint of pain – because I was that ‘spaced out’ (dissociated) In essence my mind (or I) was pulling myself so far away from the abuse that -I- was completely unaware of my realities or surroundings. What happened at that point in a manner of speaking, was that my mind began to ‘break off’ into several ‘chunks’ or identities – each to handle/cope with the world around me. Some part of my mind/someone had to be there to experience the abuse and interact with the abusers when it was required. This is a VERY rough and BASIC explanation of kinda ‘how’ or ‘why’ my other teammates ‘came to be’. DID is very difficult for me to explain – and quite honestly I’ve bypassed so many other points and details of the many other ways one could ‘become’ a multiple. (So I apologize to all my fellow multis reading this LMAO I was looking for the simpler way to explain so figured I would stick with only the way it’s affected me LMAO)
Ok, now for a quick (emphasis on quick) synopsis on some terminology. In my day to day life I do not say things such as “I’m DID” or “I have DID” For me, it seems way too clinical for something that I now experience as a natural reality of who I am. Instead, I say “I’m multi” (as in ‘I’m a multiple’) or “I’m a member of a team”. Now there’s much debate over what labels to give the other identities/people – and in all honesty it’s based on each individual system. Some use the terms ‘parts’ or ‘alters’ – I, and my team use the terms ‘headmate’ or ‘teammate’ (headmate being a spin-off of the word roomate) For us we work and live AS a team. Teamwork and cooperation (in our opinions) are ESSENTIAL to our ability to cope, function, and progress in the direction of OUR choice. Another word I threw out there was ‘system’ this is a word oftentimes used to refer to a multiple AND their headmates all at once – a system. But as I said for us, we consider ourselves to be teammates all working together to accomplish goals and objectives, it only feels natural to call ourselves a team rather than a system.
Ok, so now, basic 101 of how MY team tends to work. When I, Sally, am interacting with the world around me – ie. my son, my family, friends etc It’s called ‘fronting’. When I am front, I am the one controlling the body and using it to interact with, what for us is called ‘the outside world’ (as multi’s also have “internal worlds”). In my team, I am my son’s mother. I go by and have maintained the same name as that of the body (whether I like it or not LMAO) I was the one front when he was both conceived and born and I am who he knows as “mommy” I, solely, am ‘the mom’ Everyone in my team is aware of my son and aware that “the body” is responsible for seeing to his well-being, development, safety, security, and care. – Wow, I have a tendency to ramble in case you haven’t noticed😛 LMAO so lets see if I can’t get back on track here LMAO I picked out 4 questions that I thought were very well worded and very important to address. So here we go!😀
Question #1) “Do you ever feel like ‘being DID’ makes you a danger to yourself or others?”
~ Quite honestly, this one appalls me – but then I take a step back and remember it’s coming from someone who does -not- understand DID in the least other than what they see/hear in the media and movies like “Sybil” My answer is a firm hell no – It’s quite the opposite actually.
I -do- have many teammates that -can- be aggressive if us, as a team, NEED them to be. They are here to protect the team and the body and if we are faced with an abuser attempting to harm us or a dangerous situation, they will do just that. Protect. Nothing more, nothing less. They are not however, violent or abusive – they are protective. Whether they are protecting the body and team from an abuser or protecting the body and team from self harm, their main job – goal – objective – is to protect. Keep all of us and the body SAFE, in tact, and stable. An example of one such teammate of  mine is a 28 year old male named Chris. He is “a protector” LMAO though don’t tell him that😛 he hates being called a “protector” He always tells me he prefers “teammate” over protector as he thinks safety and protection are based on team effort and not his alone. But yes, he is a protector, he is NOT however, violent or dangerous. He will act in self defense but is not a fan of it. He prefers precaution over having to act. Chris, alongside all our other protectors is EXTREMELY attached to those in our team and my son, as well as our friends, family, and allies. He would (and does) care for and protect our son and other people in our life with exactly the same amount of passion as he does us and the body.
We are NOT monsters or dangerous and quite frankly, (in my opinion) some of the safest people around. Here’s a little scenario for you. Let’s say that someone was pushing your buttons over and over to get you to ‘break’ and lose control of your anger. A singleton (a quick way to reference someone who is not a multiple) would eventually lose control of their anger and ‘flip’ – this is assuming that the antagonizing behavior continued most definitely to this point. For us, as a team, what would happen (and has on SEVERAL occasions) is that once things had escalated to a certain point, a protector would then pull whomever was front, inside to ensure they did not lose control of their anger. Then, that protector would front until either one of two things happened, the antagonist gave up, or another protector inside pulled them in and fronted. Self control has always been for us, and in reality, is for everyone multiple or not, vital to our survival. We do not “fly off the handle” – and we also don’t lose control of who’s front simply because we’re being instigated. We work as a team. In the past, during times of abuse, if self control and strategies were not in place and concretely mastered, our life would have been in jeopardy. So with that being said, do I ever worry that I or we, as a team, are or could be a danger to others? – No. Not anymore than anyone that does NOT have DID and quite frankly we have benefits that those without DID don’t have, we have each other to depend on and support in order to maintain safety, self control, and consistency. A singleton, when at their wits end, can’t simply ‘go inside’ and let someone else who is doing better at that point in time, front until they have calmed down or regrouped.
Question #2) “Do you ever worry that you as a team are confusing your son and disrupting his sense of stability and security?”
~ Again, my answer is a firm no. No matter who is front, his daily schedules, needs, and wants are met consistently and efficiently. No matter who is front, he is cared for and attended to & no matter who is front, he is fully aware that he is loved. At the current moment in time, the only one fronting besides myself is Chris. This is due to some knee problems we’re experiencing and the possibility of knee surgery. Therefore, many are staying -far- inside to both minimize the amounts of triggers as well as ensure that those who can’t feel the pain associated with the knee do not unintentionally injure it further.
Chris is very laid back and easy going so oftentimes he and my son enjoy watching movies or simply listening to music and hanging out/chatting while Chris helps me out with the household chores. He and I have also noticed a significant decrease in tantrums and negative behavior when he is fronting vs. when I am front. So it’s not uncommon that on days when I’m significantly stressed or when my son is having a rough day, for him to front the majority of the time as it seems to help my son remain a bit more calm and focused. This is also an example of, for us, how it’s actually quite the opposite of what many people seem to assume. Since I tend to be more high strung than Chris is, we’re able to use that to our advantage as a means of maintaining a ‘low baseline’ of emotional intensity levels in the household. And it’s not quite rocket science, that the lower the emotional intensity in a home is, on a consistent basis, the stronger everyone’s senses of stability and security become. Just as sometimes in other households, if a mom is stressed one day, it can be in everyone’s best interest to let the father (if he’s doing well) do more of the child related activities – because as we all know, children tend to pick up on stress and anxiety levels rather quickly which can affect their behavior – then it becomes a ping pong match back and forth of escalating levels of emotional intensity.
Question #3) “Many people with DID have ‘lost time’, do you experience lost time or ever worry about what happens during these periods of time and how it might affect your son’s safety?”
~ Ok, so first, what -is- “lost time”? Lost time is periods of time that are not accounted for – usually due to someone else fronting and the others not being ‘aware’. So lets say someone in my team fronted for two hours, then once I got to the front again and looked at the clock it was 2 hours later and I was unaware of who had been front and/or what they did. This is common with DID and therefore I do understand the concern although, it’s not one for us. My answer to this question: I am aware of the concern and the many problems that could arise – though I don’t personally ‘worry’ about it as my team and myself have great communication and cooperation as well as strategies to prevent and/or cope with the issue.
A big part of living and functioning with DID is communication and cooperation. I don’t believe that could -ever- possibly be stressed enough!! Roflmao The best way I’ve found to explain or think about a multiple is simply this: Many people sharing one body. For us, the body doesn’t exactly ‘belong’ to any of us. It’s simply the body we all live in/share. Almost like a ‘shell’ that we all utilize in order to interact with the world around us. But seeing as we all share the body, we HAVE to be able to cooperate and compromise. In order to do those things, whether you’re a multiple or not, good communication and communication skills are a MUST. In fact in order for us to handle these types of things we have “council meetings” on a weekly basis – or daily basis depending on what all is happening in our lives at the time. We also have mediation teams, daily support groups for everyone (based on age/gender/personal story etc) and specific people in our team that are responsible for ‘holding down the fort’ and intervening when they see something, whether it be an interpersonal conflict inside or a a rising conflict between those that are inside and the body’s daily/routine life (such as sleeping patterns getting off track etc).
Communication, cooperation, teamwork – it’s not a game to us.
If you are a multiple, lost time is something that can be minimized, handled, and even in some cases, stopped. For us it’s been a matter of getting to know each other, teamwork, and problem solving skills. The more of my teammates I learned about, met, and got to know, the more my lost time seemed to decrease. For many (in my team – as I refuse to speak for anyone else’s lol) lost time can simply be a matter of fear. Whomever is front might not feel safe, confident, or secure enough with the other teammates so they are able to ‘put up a wall’ making the front more difficult to access or be aware of for the others inside. This creates periods of time that for everyone else, can’t quite be ‘accounted for’.
At this point in time, I personally have not met or gotten to know all of my teammates. It’s up to them when they feel safe or comfortable enough to introduce themselves. However, others in my team, collectively, do know and are aware of the entire team. Because of this, I/we have developed preventative strategies to both handle and cope with the concept of lost time. The one that we have found works for us without fail, is that the front is always monitored. No matter who is fronting, and no matter what time of day or night, there’s always someone (one of 4 specific protectors) directly behind the ‘fronter’ monitoring what happens, what is said, and where we are at all times. This helps with many things like for instance, if my son wants something, or needs help with something, that whomever is front, for whatever reason, may be unable to do, the person monitoring the front would know immediately and be able to get front in order to help. Also, if by the time I got to the front and for whatever reason wanted an overview or summary of what was said/done while I was inside, the person who had been monitoring the front would be able to give me a ‘play by play’. One thing we’ve had to pay high attention to is confidentiality. So, as I mentioned we only have 4 protectors that run monitoring duty, that’s part of the reason. Those 4 collectively, are trusted by everyone, if someone wanted front but didn’t trust who was monitoring at that moment, they’re required to speak up and request the one they do trust so that our guidelines are still followed but also, they feel secure. The 4 guys that run monitoring duty are each held to the same vows of confidentiality as that of a counselor – that anything and everything witnessed, overheard, or shared remains confidential unless there’s a concern they may be a danger to themselves or others. They also, because they oftentimes witness many conversation between others of us and our many friends outside of the body, are under an (internal) oath to not disrupt the confidentiality assumed when ‘outsiders’ assume they are only speaking to the one front. But with this confidentiality in the mix, I have to be able to, and do, trust those 4 on monitoring duty, that if/when I ask for a “play by play” sometimes the response will be something to the tune of “Someone fronted and called someone, then started feeling better and has now gone back to sleep. Your son had some celery and an apple for snack and has been watching a movie, it should end in about 45 minutes” If that’s as much detail I’m given I have to respect it – details are not required unless safety or well being has become an issue. So what may be -to me- ‘lost time’ is never unaccounted for because whomever was on monitoring duty at that time would be able to fill me in 100% (aside from confidentiality constraints)
Also, if my son ever needed me when I was inside and unable to watch the front, whomever was on monitoring duty would either front at that time and tend to my son – or get me from inside and push me to the front. So for me/us, this is not something we ‘worry’ about because we are aware of it and have created strategies to handle and prevent it.
Question #4) “Does your son know you are multiple – have you told him – and if not, do you plan to and when?”
~ My son is 4 years old so I have not told him quite yet lol. However, he has figured -something- out. Children are a lot smarter and more perceptive than I think many people give them credit for. One thing I’ve noticed with some of my multi friends that have, or have considered having kids – is this fear that if you tell them you are a multiple, they will react negatively or call you ‘crazy’ – or maybe feel ashamed of you as their parent. That they might lose respect for you as an authority figure in their life, or possibly even reject you altogether. When I first began accepting the reality I was a multiple and stopped running from the truth, I had to face those fears as well. However, like the saying goes “learn from your elders”, I began to listen. I know so many multiples that for one reason or another didn’t tell their children until early or late adulthood. What I’ve learned from them is this, things like trust, relationships, and respect can be worked on, improved, even repaired – but the longer you wait to be upfront, honest, and open with your children – generally speaking, the longer it will take to repair that relationship. Also, it’s been my experience that as people grow, mature, and age, the more our minds tend to close up.
Children are very imaginative and accepting of new ideas and concepts, and it’s my belief that just as we instill the morals and values in our children that we hope to pass onto them at a very early age, we should also spend time introducing them to who we are not only as their parents but as people as well as some of our realities. I think this improves the relationship as they are able to learn and understand us before they are introduced to false concepts like “crazy”. I also think it will prevent feelings of exclusion – as if we as parents (when we tell them later in life) have excluded them from our own lives for so many years and prevented them from getting to know who we really are.
Even though I have yet to sit down with my son and explain these things to him, he’s already figured ‘something’ out LMAO He already knows many of us and so far, 4 of us (including myself) by name. At times when I am fronting and … for example… Chris is directly behind me, some of Chris’ characteristics (such as voice, posture, or terminology like specific nicknames for my son he uses that I don’t) will show through. My son recognizes these changes and often walks up to me, gives me a hug, and says “What’s your name?” This tells me that 1) my son -is- very attuned to those sometimes very subtle differences and aware of something of a concept like ‘mommy is lots of people in one’ or ‘mommy is different’ and 2) that he is accepting of it. As far as ‘when’ I plan to tell him ‘officially’ lmao I don’t honestly have a specific age or time in mind other than maybe around age 10-ish or when I believe he is cognitively mature enough to understand/grasp such a concept as well as be able to voice his concerns, questions, and any possible fears related to it.
If there’s one thing that I could say I’d vowed to myself before he was ever born it would be that he never has to know of the horrors of my past either directly or indirectly. It’s my belief that these are my demons to face and recover from NOT his to grapple with. If however, he were a grown man with a family of his own or the age to be, and confronted me with specific questions, I would not necessarily ‘lock him out’ or dodge them, but I wouldn’t be giving him all the graphic details if I could help it. I say this because I anticipate questions such as “Why are you this way?” I do not intend to nor will I respond with anything even close to “I was abused” or “Mommy was hurt by lots of bad people” Instead, I intend to respond with something similar to “You know how when you’re upset, you take a break, or cry, or run and dance? – Well, mommy’s brain used to make other people inside her body instead”  –Is it 100% accurate? Maybe lol Maybe not lol And to be honest, I’m still mulling over, as time goes by, exactly ‘how’ I will tell him and explain it in terms that a child can understand without having to even go near telling my son about my past. But as far as today Is concerned, that’s where  my thinking is.
Another ‘handy’ tool I have and will probably utilize are the littles in my team. The term “littles” simply refers to the children (little ones) that I share the body with as well. I could speak to them and ask them “How would you explain to someone your age about us?” That might actually be better in all honesty because they think and communicate just like other children their age.  LMAO For about a year now I’ve toyed with the idea of writing a children’s book for other multi parents as a means of having a ‘starting point’ to read with their children and then discuss what it ‘means’ if mommy or daddy is a multiple, now I’m beginning to think that may be a rather wise idea lmao.
I hope this wasn’t too confuzzled😛 LMAO I tend to be a very open person – or at least strive to be😛 lol So I’m never against answering questions or explaining things –as long as I’m able to lmao I do not believe in ‘stupid’ or ‘ignorant’ questions and am not offended easily. I believe questions to be a doorway to understanding and consider part of loving others to be putting ‘touchiness’ aside in order to listen and learn with the other person. If you have to ask a question, the only reason is because either you’ve not had anyone willing to answer/explain it for you yet OR you haven’t found anyone willing to work with you and break it down in a way that makes sense to you. Having very easily hurt feelings in the process of trying to help is never useful ;) What DOES offend me, is a refusal to accept others and judgments that are tied to a refusal to make an effort to learn, grow, and understand. This was partly my reason to write this entry – as well as all the questions I’ve been receiving recently.🙂 It truly saddens me that multiplicity is so oftentimes deemed ‘crazy’ and even ‘not real’ as well as the fact that society doesn’t have the correct information and understanding of it. We’re not monsters, we’re not crazy, and we’re not dangerous – anymore than you or anyone else is – or could be😉😛 But, unfortunately, those differences seem to be awfully frightening to those who are unable to relate. It is my hope that through honest and open communication as well as resources and personal accounts such as this tiny little one, some of these fears can be laid to rest and a true understanding can be achieved.❤
The following song (as you’ve probably noticed by now that I like to attatch a related song to each blog if/when I can) is a bit of a stretch – but I believe it does actually apply. As the song says,
“The truth is kept secret, it’s swept under the rug, if you never know truth then you never know love – Where’s the love y’all!!?”
I’m simply trying to assist the truth in getting out. Truth – Respect – Love – These are ALL stronger than fear.❤

I’m a happy sap! :P

So it’s been a while since I’ve updated this lol. There’s been a LOT going on. I have to admit no matter what the outcome winds up being on a certain situation in my personal life, I’m enjoying being able to look back and confidently say “I’ve made the right decision.” Releasing my fear and urges to obsess over it has truly helped me be able to get my mind back in focus. As much as I hate to admit it, I was angry. But in releasing my fear – refusing to pay it any attention (which by the way, can be tough as SHIT!!! Lmao) I’ve also been able to let go of the anger. The anger was stemming from insecurity and was fueled by a feeling of injustice. I had to accept the injustice for what it was – not fair, then address the insecurity. I learned something in that process: Insecurity is not much different than ignorance in that unless it’s faced and dealt with/worked through, it can’t do anything but harm ourselves and others.
In the midst of all this, I’ve been learning to accept other things. Poor moods for example. Those days when I’m just tired or cranky – maybe a bit sad. I’m slowly learning a process I can go through, first I accept/acknowledge it. Then, I ask myself “Is there anything I can do about it?” Like eat something if I’m hungry (as that can exasperate the situation) or have a soda or cup of coffee (sometimes a bit of caffeine can help if you’re tired) maybe plan to go to bed early that night as well – maybe call or txt a friend or relative – write about it as an outlet. Then, once I’ve done that, or if I can’t do anything, I consciously choose to actively (the key word lol) do something in opposition to how I’m feeling. Recently for me, it’s been to listen to a specific song that’s upbeat, catchy, and that I have a personal connection to. No matter how I’m feeling it makes me smile, encourages feelings of gratitude, adoration, joy, strength, and a child-like innocence. I have to admit lol I’ve been listening to it practically nonstop these days lol But, it makes me feel….. Free, in a way. Free from all the negativity I choose not to submerge myself in. But even now, with as much as I’ve been listening to it these past couple weeks, it drives me to swinging with the music, smiling, laughing, and at the very least, allowing me to feel comfort, love, and peace.
I’ve noticed a lot that society as a whole (in my opinion) isn’t exactly what’s I’d call a ‘happy bunch of folks’
When I’m standing at my son’s bus stop in the morning, I’m usually playing this specific song on my phone while I simply dance and sing along with him on the sidewalk. One thing I enjoy, is seeing people driving by when they see us and laughing or smiling and waving – being ‘happy’ even if just for those few seconds.
One afternoon a while back, I was in line at the store and feeling very sad/lonely – I literally wanted nothing more than to just run home, curl back up in bed, and cry my bloody eyeballs directly out of their sockets. It was just NOT a good day. So I turned on my phone and listened to the song. I chose to actively participate in the joy I knew it -usually- brought me – I was swaying to the music and mouthing the words lol There was a man next to me whom I didn’t know but he was visibly upset – he looked the way I felt. I waved at him enthusiastically (to the point of plain goofiness lol) smiled and said “Hi!!!!” lol while I started dancing to my song (which he couldn’t hear because I had headphones on – I WAS In a store mind you LMAO) I KNOW I looked like a fool. But it was cheering me up!! LMAO What startled me was that he then smiled back at me, started laughing, and in between his laughter said “Have a great day!” as he walked off. I felt empowered! I’d managed to cheer him up! Hell, he could have been laughing AT me for all I knew or cared LMAO but it had cheered him up. And THAT had cheered me up. From that point on my day had made a complete turn around.  I don’t know, maybe I’m just a complete sap at heart lol but I truly wish people would simply smile at one another more – make fools of ourselves – what’s so wrong with that?? LMAO Be silly – have fun – ENJOY life!
Happiness is just as contagious as misery – if not moreso. When we’re supporting others, why do we always seem to leave out one of the most important aspects? Happiness – humor – laughter – joy. You can still be validating, compassionate, and understanding as well while also sharing joy and love – even if only for a moment or two. Even if it does mean making a complete fool of yourself! Be confident in yourself and be generous with love. Yeah, ok, I guess I AM a complete sap at heart lmao But that’s ok though LMAO Because I shall embrace my sappiness and use it to suit the other aspects of who I am😀 lmao
*sigh*   It has been a roller coaster though.
My birthday has passed yet again lol And this year I made it all about showing love, compassion, and comfort to myself so I celebrated by devoting it and my cake to my fav sports team, Melbourne Storm (NRL)  THIS year was NOT about fear, pain, suffering, or abuse – it was about being happy and loved. Bottom line – be happy.
I’m also still in a knee immobilizer and have been since July 18th. I have many bone fragments swimming around in it and need to have them removed – it’s still swollen and also apparently (according to the docs) has fluid in it. Therefore, I’m awaiting surgery. I meet with my surgeon’s PA on Oct. 17th which will be just a day short of 3 months since this all started. Then I’ll have a pre-op appointment – and then surgery. I’m losing a good bit of muscle tone in my left leg, have multiple issues/fears regarding medical professionals, instruments, and treatments, and this continues to drag out. I found out in June that my thyroid cancer is now in remission and to be honest, at that time, had TRULY been hoping for a break from the world of medicine lol But I have to accept – “just not right now”.
So where am I at mentally now? What’s my mindset the -majority- of the time these days? — “I don’t care.” that’s right lol
I
DON’T
CARE.
Lmfao – it is what it is. This HAS gone on for way too long and has been a ridiculously long and idiotic battle with my insurance. But now, I’m just laughing at all the frustration. Not because I think this isn’t a serious concern – or because I’m not worried about possible long term effects etc but because if I don’t, the negativity and fear will consume my day to day life. I HAVE to find things to laugh at, smile about, I have to focus on things that empower me and bring me JOY – or else I will feel ‘the victim’ and helpless. But I’m only as helpless as I tell myself I am or allow myself to feel – so, I laugh, smile, and be happy to empower myself instead. As a result, I’ve been spending a lot of my time working on this, doing things that bring me comfort, joy, laughter, sanity, and strength. My writing has been more on topics I keep off of this particular blog – it’s stuff that would be better suited for my other one. But at the same time, it’s not necessarily been aimed to be “productive” so much as entertaining I’ve been simply working out certain personal things and also writing for the sole purpose of allowing my mind to wander and explore the more ‘pleasant’ side of my imagination lol
Although in thinking about it, I believe I am due for a blog entry on here about DID and my experiences with it. As a single mother labeled DID I’ve heard about, experienced, and witnessed many things and have MUCH to say about it. So much in fact, I could probably write for days on that topic lol Believe it or not I -am- very opinionated, I’m just also very open, curious, and a FIRM believer in that “Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.” — BUT, we also don’t all walk around caulking up everybody’s arseholes that we may not particularly like or want to be around LOL And yes I can be crude and somewhat of a smartass LMAO But it’s the truth! And you know it too!!😛 don’t even try to deny it😉
Okie dokies artichokies, I’ll be signing off now,
Stay happy!